Warning:I'm having a bit of a pity party. I'm not asking for anyone to join me. I have enough pity for myself right now. However, I just needed to write it down and get it out. It helps me to get over myself...
I have to admit that I pretty much loathe days like today. At least the way today has started.
Woke up with my neck and shoulders killing me. I think my hair is too long. It's just past my jawline. However, having no neck, when my hair gets this long it gets stuck under my shoulders when I sleep. It causes me to tense up and not be comfortable when I sleep. I need to get it cut. I need my rest.
I also woke up in the middle of a major fibro flare. I hardly have the strength to lift my arms up again today, and I hurt all over. Barely putting any pressure on any part of my body sends pain shooting everywhere in close proximity to the original touch. It wouldn't be so bad, if the pain didn't linger, but it does. It takes several minutes, (sometimes, it's hours), for the pain to dissipate.
Our middle daughter had a massive meltdown again this morning. She wanted her dad to stay home from work. She yelled at the top of her lungs for him to "STAY! HOME!" The entire time, I just kept telling myself, "Don't make eye contact. Don't make eye contact." If I don't make eye contact, she can usually get herself under control in about 15 minutes or so. If I do make eye contact, it seems to exacerbate the problem, and the meltdown lasts at least 30 minutes.
This is the first time she's actually tried hurting her dad. She kept grabbing his leg and trying to pinch it with her entire hand. She stopped when he casually asked, "Why are you hurting Daddy?" I'm so glad he was able to appear calm on the outside. There's no way he was calm on the inside. It's impossible when she has meltdowns to keep your nerves under control.
Part of what set her off this morning was that he was wearing his long johns. He wears one of those one-piece red union suits like you'd see in old Westerns. He really has no choice with his job. He's outside a lot, and with the colder weather and the wind he freezes, if he doesn't have them on. She kept yelling at him to take them "OFF!" with tears streaming down her face.
We have NO idea what it is about them that sets her off. All we know is that it's beyond exhausting. He's supposed to go out of town for the weekend in a few weeks. I don't know how I'll handle it, if she starts freaking out. Mostly, I'll be praying she doesn't, and that I have the strength to deal with it without making the situation worse.
She's calmed down now, but she's still really loud. Her vocal chords are paralyzed. They can still vibrate, so she can talk, but they don't open and close like they're supposed to. As a result, it's very difficult for her to regulate her volume unless she's reminded repeatedly. I will be reminding gently all afternoon, I'm sure.
One small good note to this otherwise depressing post: It appears as though we may have sold the shower enclosure. We'll find out this weekend.
Compulsive hoarding is a mental disorder that is just beginning to be understood. As a hoarder, I have acquired things over the years with a specific purpose in mind at the time of the acquisition, used some of those items for their intended purposes, forgotten the goal for different objects, but now that I find that they have outlived their purpose in my life I am struggling to rid myself of those same things.
You can read the start of my journey here.