Compulsive hoarding is a mental disorder that is just beginning to be understood. As a hoarder, I have acquired things over the years with a specific purpose in mind at the time of the acquisition, used some of those items for their intended purposes, forgotten the goal for different objects, but now that I find that they have outlived their purpose in my life I am struggling to rid myself of those same things.

You can read the start of my journey here.

Monday, May 1, 2017

Love hurts.

Tonight a dear friend of mine got irritated with me after I replied to something she said. She took me completely aback when she said "I was in a weird codependent mood again".

I went through a wide range of emotions rather quickly.

I was confused, hurt, irritated, and did I mention I was confused? She said I'd made a conversation we were having about me. I didn't think I had, and I still don't exactly see it, but I'm actually glad she said something to me.

It definitely made me think. After I cried, of course. (Did I mention they up and fell off?)

I looked up codependency. Everything I knew of it pertained someone interacting with a loved one who was addicted to drugs or alcohol. So I was surprised when I saw the definition had changed, and I saw myself in so many of the symptoms on the checklist.

I'm thinking that this fits the bill so much better than an autism diagnosis.

As much as it hurt to hear, I'm thankful my friend pointed it out to me. It makes sense. And I'll be calling this week to get things scheduled with a counselor of some sort. I'm actually looking forward to it.

I don't want to live like this anymore. It's exhausting.

Sunday, April 30, 2017

Ugh!

Up until a few years ago, when someone hurt my feelings, I'd get mad. When I'd screw something up, I'd get angry. I was just angry all the time. It didn't help that I have such a severe case of resting bitch face there is, because I also looked angry even when I wasn't. And I hated it when people would ask me, if I was mad. It irritated the crap out of me!

But my sister, who was always so much softer than I was, told me a few years ago that she always admired that about me. She worked in a very high stress job where showing emotions were detrimental. She said she'd have given just about anything to have the personality that I have, because it would make her life so much easier. It would be easier to be taken seriously, if she wasn't crying every time she got mad or frustrated. 

Several years later, she had relief in the form of a hysterectomy. She said she felt like she grew "a great big pair" the moment she woke up from surgery. She no longer cried at the drop of a hat, and she was able to be taken seriously by everyone. 

Fast forward to today.

I think mine shriveled up and fell off. 

There are days I can hardly make it through the day without just being weepy all day long. It's SO not like me. I'm thinking it has a lot to do with the lack of hormones that come with menopause. I feel weak and incapable, and I hate it! If something happens first thing in the morning that sets me off, it's hard to shake it for the rest of the day. I feel completely incapable of making a decision. In fact, I wrote the last post about 3 weeks ago and just barely published it last night.

It pisses me off!

Which makes me cry. 

Ugh!

Saturday, April 29, 2017

What's wrong with me?

For the past couple of years, but especially the last several months, I've wondered, if I'm on the Autism spectrum. Back when I was a kid, I struggled with friendships. It seemed like I always did something wrong to push people away, but I never quite understood what happened that made the friendship die. It was just...over. But it wasn't just when I was a kid. I've been like this my entire life.

And while I can easily put myself in others' shoes and even physically feel what they are feeling, I struggle with figuring it out in someone's writing unless they actually spell it out. Which makes other parts of my life make a bit more sense. Like that fact that I love deep contrasts in color like black and white. Like the fact that I love absolutes. Like the fact that I've always loved rules. Like the fact that I've always loved math, because there's either a right answer or a wrong answer. Period. 

I like clarity. I need it, like I need air to breathe. 

And when I communicate, whether it is through writing or talking, I use more words than most to get my meaning across. I want to know that I'm understood, and I want desperately to understand others. So when others use passive aggressive ways to communicate it confuses me. I understand that they're irritated with me, and that I've done something wrong, but I have no clue as to what it is unless they've said it directly.

I think that it's me. And then I loathe who I am. And I have a really hard time figuring out how to fix things.

What's wrong with me?

Sunday, January 22, 2017

Feeling Human...ish

It appears the steroids I'm taking are finally getting a good grip on things. I'm feeling closer to normal than I have in several weeks. I'm hoping this means I'll be able to start accomplishing something, since I've barely been able to do the basics the last few weeks. The house is a disaster, but it's been worse. 

Much worse. 

I'm going to work on getting the Christmas tree down today. It's times like this I'm thankful we didn't put much up this year. It will make it a breeze to put away. I'm sad though. One of the branches on our artificial tree broke sometime between us putting it away last year and putting it up this year. We're going to have to look for a new one next year, since we didn't get a chance to this year. We'll keep this around until it's time to put the tree up next year just in case we don't get around to buying a new one, but it will be out the door the moment we have a replacement. 

Once I get the Christmas decorations put away, I'll work on general cleaning in the house. It won't be much, but it is all I'm capable of at this point. That's okay. I refuse to stress over things. Stressing over things is what got me into this mess in the first place. 

And in the famous words of Scarlett O'Hara, "Tomorrow is another day."

Monday, January 16, 2017

The mind is willing...

but the flesh is weak.

Especially today. And yesterday. And this past week.

Hoping for a break from the asthma flare and the back spasms now that I'm done with the flu. I'm ready to get started!

Maybe watching Baby Bug tomorrow will pull the kink out of it! She will at least put a huge smile on my face!

Sunday, January 15, 2017

Size Matters.

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The cursor mocks me while I sit here trying to figure out where to begin. . .

I'm ready to get really busy dehoarding again. And I'm ready to start blogging about it again, because I find I hold myself more accountable when I do. I feel like I have more control over things. And I've got to take the control back from the things that have been controlling me, so I'm back. 

Don't get me wrong. I haven't relapsed to the point of no return. My house is not overflowing to the point it once was, but it's definitely not where I want it to be. I've just been...busy. For the last year. A Baby Bug does that to grandparents, and I'm not complaining! I just have to readjust my focus a little. And I did that today...

For our 16th wedding anniversary, we bought our first bedroom set. Before that we had a hodge podge of furniture that didn't match, and we made due. And after 16 years of marriage, we decided to take the plunge and buy a bedroom set. And the bedroom set is gorgeous! We had seen several beds that we liked while we were out shopping, but when we turned the corner and saw the one we bought, we both gasped audibly. We'd never had an experience quite like that before. We knew this was our set. 

The bed is what sold us. It's a gorgeous 4 poster canopy bed. Instead of the canopy going in a square around the bed, this canopy has all sorts of pretty metal curls that meet up in the center of the bed. It's an absolutely stunning mix of gorgeous oak and metal work with posts that are a good 6" in diameter at the largest. Just. Stunning.

At the time we went shopping for it 15 years ago, Hubster wanted to try a king-size bed, because we'd always had queens up until then. And we've had a love/hate relationship with the size ever since. We like that fact that we both have room to stretch out, but we both hate that we have to climb over a hump in the middle of the bed in order to reach one another. It makes any sort of snuggling difficult. More than anything else it takes up an awful lot of room in our traditional, small bedroom. 

And its size makes it really hard to maneuver around. Especially for Hubster. The Parkinson's has made us realize that we have to rethink how we go forward. For instance, we won't be using glass shower doors after all. We had gotten some for both our bathtub and for our shower, but now we can't use them. They're not a really good idea for someone who has balance issues, and Parkinson's causes balance issues. So we will need to sell them. Besides that, it looks like we may need to combine the two bathrooms into one. Neither of them is really conducive to free movement, and free movement is necessary. 

Which brings me back to our bedroom set. 

We made the very difficult decision today to get rid of it. 

::::2 points for making a hard dehoarding decision::::

Go us!

It's going to take some time to make it all happen. We will need to do a complete dehoarding of our bedroom first. The bedroom itself isn't too bad, but you don't even want to see the closet! (Well, maybe you do, but I don't know that I'm going to show you). And we need to do a major purge of clothes that we will never. ever. wear. no. matter. what. size. we. are. We are giving ourselves permission to put ourselves and our future first. 

And our future looks amazing!