Looking for that rainbow.

Had a bit of good news/bad news this week.

Good news: Hubster's hours are going to change again. Instead of working 12 days on, 2 days off, he'll go back to having weekends off and working 5 days a week. We can handle that. In fact, we'll really, really enjoy it! The 12 on/ 2 off schedule was a bear, and I don't know, if we would have ever gotten completely used to it. I'm glad it has come to its official end.

Bad news: Hubster has been sick the last few days. He was in pain all night long Tuesday night and ended up going to the doctor on Wednesday morning to find out what was going on. He'd been in 2 other times to talk about it, but they diagnosed him with reflux and sent him on his way. I figured a couple of months ago it was his gallbladder.

Good news: It is his gallbladder. I know. That doesn't sound like good news, but we think it is. It means there will be an end in sight for the pain he's been going through. He goes in Monday to get a referral to a surgeon and discuss his bloodwork. He's going to feel SO much better once he has the surgery! Now to get it scheduled.

Bad news: Hubster woke up with a fever yesterday and again today, so he had to miss work again. 

Good news: Hubster woke up with a fever yesterday and again today, so we have gotten to see more of him in the last few days than we have in the last month! 

Good news: Finally got the MRI done on Hopper that is required before she has surgery. 

Bad news: The person who read the MRI commented as though she's already had the surgery, and we have to get that corrected. She hasn't had surgery yet, and we don't want his mistake to keep the insurance company from approving her much needed operation!

Good news: The antibiotics the doctor put me on seem to be helping, and I'm feeling better than I have in quite awhile.

Even better news: I'm not having any sort of allergic reaction to the antibiotic. That's a nice change. 

Bad news: I have so much to do I don't know where to start.

Good news: That's not really true. I've started a list...

 

Pass the ice melter stuff, please.

I have so much on my mind. I'm trying hard not to let it paralyze me into not getting things done. So far, I've been moderately successful. I've been working in the laundry room, but it's been taking longer than I anticipated. It all goes back to that not being able to gauge how long things will take me to finish, but I really *am* going to try to get it finished up tomorrow.


I keep forgetting about taxes and other must-do paperwork, so I'll have to get busy on that in the next few days, too. Paperwork that takes up valuable space in my head. Space that is at a premium. And I need to get it done, so I can think straight once again. 


Each time I think of the paperwork, the laundry room, or Mom and what's going on with her health, my stomach starts churning. It's been so bad the last couple of days it feels like my gut is a figurative snowbank, and there's a tire spinning without getting the least bit of traction, because the car is stuck in said snowdrift. 


I'm think I'm ready for Spring!

Roses are red. Violets are blue. Candy is sweet. And so are you.

I worked hard today, and yet I have nothing to show for it. At least nothing anyone can see.


I spent the day working on paperwork that needs done for Scooter's hospitalization back in September. I spent the better part of 9 hours on the phone trying to get things straightened out. By the end of the day, I still wasn't done, but I at least know what I've got to do tomorrow. It's been nightmarish. 


And all because of a (insert cuss word of your choice here) contaminated blood culture. 


I still have hours of work to go tomorrow. I was going to work more on it all tonight, but I decided 9 hours is enough for one day. Besides that, I can't seem to get warm. I've been freezing all day long, and it's the warmest it's been in a week. My body is definitely trying to fight something. 


Have I mentioned recently that I'm ready for Spring to get here? Take my word for it, if I haven't mentioned it. 


I'm ready.


On a good note, Hopper is dealing with being home while Scooter is at school better than we'd anticipated. She was started on anxiety meds awhile back. It's the first medicine we've tried that has actually helped her with her anxiety without causing even more issues. We're very hopeful they'll help her through this difficult transition. More than anything, we're thrilled we finally found something that works for her.


She's so cute. She was so excited tonight that she gets to go to 'work' tomorrow that she tried going to bed at 2:00 this afternoon. I held her off a few hours, but she's beside herself with excitement. Without any prompting from me, she even got all her clothes laid out and ready for tomorrow before she crawled into bed.


I think I need to take her cue and go to bed early...


Hope you and all your sweethearts had a good Valentine's Day! 

I dream of Rip Van Winkle.

I'm making progress and have gotten a lot done in the last week, but I feel like I'm in serious need of a couple weeks' worth of sleep. Just straight through for two weeks. 

Ever feel like that?

I don't see it slowing down enough to sleep for 2 weeks straight anytime soon, but that's okay. I'm getting things done that need done. I'm making progress.

Friday of last week we got our flu shots, got state ID cards for both of the girls and got a bank account set up for Scooter's direct deposit for when she starts getting SSI payments. Then Monday I got Scooter's application in for SSI and got replacement social security cards ordered for each of the girls.

I worked on paperwork a bit for a couple of days and then headed into the kitchen to work on tomatoes from the garden. I got 9 dozen tomatoes washed, blanched and peeled to further process. 

I made some into a base for homemade chili for when it gets colder outside. I made chili  a few weeks ago with tomatoes from the garden, and we couldn't get over how much tastier it was than when I've used fresh tomatoes from the grocery store. There really was no comparison, and I want to recreate it as much as possible when I make chili again when it snows. I'm actually looking forward to the colder weather just so I have an excuse to cook a batch up again!

Several pounds of tomatoes were diced, along with onions and bell peppers to make salsa. I used my new canner for it, and I have to admit it was fun breaking it in. I'll really put it to good use next year when we have more to our garden than tomatoes, but I'll be happy with an abundance of maters next year, too. The rest of the tomatoes were frozen whole to be used as I need them over the course of the next few months. I'll definitely be using them to make homemade tomato soup. There's nothing that tastes quite as fresh and clean and yummy as that, and I can't wait!

We've been babying the tomatoes we had left in the garden for the last few weeks as it's gotten colder outside, and they were actually still blooming. Unfortunately, it got cold enough that the plastic we had up didn't keep enough cold out, and the leaves started to freeze, so today we cleared out the tomato beds. Thankfully, we only lost a couple dozen tomatoes to the cold, but it was hard to take. The tomatoes are so tasty I hate to lose a single one. Still, there were several dozen on the plants still, so the loss of the 2 dozen is just a drop in the bucket. There are plenty more.

Tomorrow, I'll be wrapping the greenest tomatoes in newspaper and putting them in a box in the garage where they'll stay cool. I have it on good authority, (Thanks, Mom!), that I should have fresh tomatoes ripening for several weeks, and I may actually still have some left in late December or even early January. I'm really hoping that's the case. It would be great, if we could get them to last that long!

 

I have to be honest. I am looking forward to having the tomatoes done and out of my hair soon. It will just be a relief to have them done, so I don't have to worry about letting them go and them being ruined, because I got busy and put them off too long. 

I'll have to do something with the pumpkins from the garden, too. We had so many tomatoes that the pumpkins didn't go crazy, but we did end up with 4 small ones. I am hoping to make a pumpkin soup with one and bake the others, so I can make them into pies or pumpkin rolls for the holidays. I've never tried pumpkin soup before, but I want to try it. I think it will be fun. I'm just glad pumpkins last awhile, so I can finish up the paperwork before getting to them. 

We brought the two pepper plants in that still have little peppers on them. I'm hoping I can get them to grow indoors, so I can harvest them and use them in the chili I'll make a bit later. I'm not worried, if they don't do any more growing, but I'll be thrilled, if they do. 

In the meantime, my bed is calling me from the other room. It's been a long day, and I doubt I'll get a full 8 hours tonight, let alone a full 2 weeks. 

One can only hope...

I'm still alive in spite of being buried under a ton of paperwork.

I'm still working on paperwork. I've been putting in 8 to 14 hours a day on it, and I've made huge progress. The boxes of papers in the picture I posted earlier spanned an area 5 wide, 3 deep and to the ceiling in the back 2 rows. At this point, the boxes take up an area 1 deep, 1 wide, and the stack only goes about 2/3 up the wall. 

Unfortunately, the picture didn't include all the paperwork that needs to be tackled. There's more current stuff, (from the last 5 years or so), on the other side of the study. It needs to be addressed, so the study can be fully organized and functional.

Several people, including The Hubster, have suggested ordering the birth certificates again. And while it might be easier in some ways to order them, I'm hoping I will have found the ones I'm looking for by the time the new ones would have arrived in the mail, anyway. Because I can't just go down to the courthouse and pick them up, since the girls weren't born here, it would take several weeks for them to make an appearance. I know we ordered a new birth certificate for Hopper a few years ago, and I'm sure to come across it in the newer stuff that still needs sorted. I still need to locate Scooters, but for the life of me I can't remember, if I ordered a new one for her then or not. I guess I'll find out soon enough. 

While I was sorting through boxes this weekend, I realized the main reason I don't want to order the birth certificates is for totally self-serving purposes. If I order them, I won't have to finish the paperwork anytime soon. And I really, really, really need to get through this paperwork. It's been hanging over my head and weighing me down for far too long. 

I actually came across paperwork from the bank account I had in high school!

Did I mention how long it's been holding me back??

Far. Too. Long. That's how long.

As a result of the hours I've been putting in on paperwork, I haven't been online much at all.  

I've ignored my friends and family. 

I've failed to return emails. 

I've neglected my blog.

And unfortunately, I don't see that changing in the foreseeable future. 

In the meantime, I will continue to update the sidebar with the shredables count. 

I hope to be back to blogging daily, returning emails, and interacting with friends and family again within a week or two... 

Definitely by Thanksgiving.

I am also hoping to be finished once and for all with paperwork, so all I need to do is maintain things. 

Here's to hoping...

Don't think I'm going to make my deadline, but at least I have pictures.

*Every cancelled check and check blanks for bank account that we closed 26 years ago before we got married.


*My metal Pinocchio lunch box from grade school.


*The test results from Hopper's DNA karyotype that changed our lives so completely 21 years ago.


*Unopened Sesame Street and Highlights For Kids magazines from 15 to 18 years ago.


*Card from Hubster's grandmother from 1997. It still had the $5 she sent for us to buy ice cream in it. We did.


*Birthday card from Hopper's 4th birthday from her uncle that still held the $5 he sent her. That was 17 years ago.


*Box from mug Hubster and Bugster got me for my birthday when I was expecting Hopper. Mug said, "I Y my job like I Y having my finger slammed in the car door." with an adorable note from Hubby on the inside flap.


*The beginning lines of a story Bugster started to write when she was about 10. "There was a boy named Jack, who didn't know the difference between a Life Saver and a nickle. He was a very lonely little boy." And that's where it ended. I would have loved to have read more.


*Bugster's beginning music book for French Horn and her beginning, intermediate and Christmas music books for flute.


*Plastic glasses from a comedy show we saw in our first year of marriage.


*The boxes from Hopper's first set of hearing aides.


*The assembly instructions for the wheelchair Scooter used until she was 7.


These are just some of the many, many things I've found in the boxes of paperwork I've sorted through the last couple of days. 


I set a goal to get through all the boxes of paperwork in the study before the end of September, but I'm not sure, if I'm going to make it or not. The whole situation with Scooter set me back a bit, so I will probably have to be okay with finishing up in October instead.

After

And just so you don't have to go searching for the before picture, or clicking on a link to see it, I've uploaded it below.

Before. 

In the meantime, I can see the back wall of the study where the boxes were stacked 3 deep and all the way to the ceiling. The first row is completely gone, and the second row no longer reaches the ceiling, but I still have a long way to go. 


I sent 4 more bags of shredables out the door this morning after sending 7 bags out yesterday for a total of 25 grocery bags of preshredded for the month of September. I've also sent 4 huge black contractor bags of trash out that consisted of paperwork I could throw.


I've been able to let go of things I've hung onto for years in the hope that I would eventually fix them. The most liberating of these items has to be the story books that were torn up. I always felt such a huge obligation to repair them to the best of my ability and practically laminate each page with tape, so they couldn't tear them again. I did manage to do this a few times with some of the books over the years, but more often than not, they were just tossed in a box. I am sure some of the missing pieces of pages I never found ended up in someone's digestive track somewhere along the way. I didn't check too closely.


I'm just glad that I was finally able to dispose of them guilt-free. 


I've come to the conclusion that I'm not responsible for everything that goes wrong. It's not my job to fix it all. I don't have to save everything associated with our children's lives to be a good mom. 


It's better to throw it away than to throw my life away worrying about it. 

Life, loss and letting go.

For years, I've had trouble holding onto things.

Obviously, or I wouldn't be a hoarder, right?

Now that I'm back on my medicines and thinking more clearly, I'm making hard decisions about some of those things. With other things, my decision is not to make a decision right now.

For example, I've decided not to get rid of the ultrasound pictures of two of my pregnancies that ended in miscarriage. I didn't get an ultrasound the third time. By then, I knew what was happening, and I didn't want the heartache of seeing what was happening on a screen. I didn't want a picture to remind me. I don't regret that decision, but I also don't regret the decision of getting the pictures of  the first two.  

The pictures still bring me back to the loss I felt at the time...

The physical and emotional loss of the miscarriages themselves was hard enough. After all, we'd wanted every single baby I carried. But to be told that the little sac was empty was about more than I could handle. To know that our little ones had stopped growing just shortly after conception somehow made it worse. To know that they'd never even had a chance just killed me. 

It also made me feel like I had nothing to mourn. That I hadn't actually lost a baby, because there had never been a heartbeat. It didn't help that others actually told me I'd never been pregnant, since the sac was empty. That I didn't lose a baby. 

But I did. 


Three times.


I don't know, if they thought they were helping by minimizing my loss, but their words made it no less real. If anything, they made it worse. 


So I've kept these ultrasound pictures all these years. They are the only proof that we lost our babies. The only proof that they ever existed in the first place. Somehow, I feel that letting them go is saying they were never important to me. That somehow it's saying I didn't love them. That I didn't start thinking of names, imagining the nursery, picturing our babies' little faces in my mind the very moment I knew I was pregnant. 


I'm still not there. I might be someday, but only time will tell.


In the meantime, I've made some progress.


In the last several days, I've sorted through two small boxes that had each held six boxes of baby wipes, two apple boxes, and two  18 gallon totes full of paperwork. I've filled two huge black contractor bags with trash and ten more grocery bags with shredables. Five of them went out the door on Friday, and the rest will go out the door tomorrow. The stuff I've kept has been sorted into 3 categories. 

A small crate holds bills, paystubs and medical miscellaneous that I will scan and eventually toss into the shredables. A small box holds greeting cards and letters from loved ones that I will eventually scan. I don't know that I'll actually ever throw them away, but I will be scanning them, so they aren't lost forever, if something should happen to them. And the third is an apple box less than half full of drawings the girls did, stories written, IEPS and other miscellaneous things I'll be scanning when I get to it. 


My goal is to discard as much as possible once I've scanned it. Normally, I would try to scan it all as I sort it, but I've got to get through the boxes as quickly as possible, so I can find the birth certificates and social security cards I need. If I could just go down to the courthouse and order more, I would, but all 3 girls were born out of state from where we live now, and it's not as easy as it seems. It would take several weeks and $30 to $40 each to get copies, so I'll just keep working on the paperwork and scan things later.


I'm making progress. It's slow, but it's steady.


And I'm learning to let go. 

Someday.

Scooter finally went back to school this week after having been sick all last week, and Hopper started her day program again, so I am trying to get back into a routine. It's been easier said than done, but then again, it's also only been 2 days. And I'm trying to do the caffeine withdrawal thing again, without much success. I can't seem to do an extended hospital stay for the girls without getting hooked on soda again. I think it's because I'm afraid to sleep at the hospital, because I'm afraid the nurses will miss something I might catch. 


I know. 


I'm a control freak.


A control freak who's addicted to caffeinated pop once again.


It could be worse. I could be drinking a 6 pack or a 2 liter bottle a day, but I'm drinking less than half that. The rough thing is that I'm not sure, if I am going to try to get it out of my system before I get through my mountains of paperwork or not. It is what it is. I either will, or I won't, and I'm not going to stress over it.


The paperwork, on the other hand, is a totally different monster. I will be stressing over it until I get it finished, and I've got to get it done as quickly as possible.


Well, that's not entirely true. 


I just need to find the girls' birth certificates and social security cards. So if I find them, I can take a breather from the rest of the paperwork, if I need to.


So I worked through some really rough boxes tonight. I only got through two of them, and although I feel accomplished, it wasn't easy. Although the first box was easier than the second.


The first box had an assortment of paperwork. There was everything from old water bills to telephone bills that spanned several years, and bank receipts. It also held old hospital and doctor receipts as well as school papers, art projects and notes from each of the girls.


It was fairly easy to sort. If the art projects didn't have a name on them, and I couldn't tell who had done them, I tossed them. I saved some of the hospital and doctor bills/notes, if they had vital information on them, so I can scan them. For the most part, things were either thrown in the trash into the shredables, and almost all of the few things I saved will be scanned and then tossed.


I have to admit I felt pangs of guilt when I saw some of Hopper's papers in there. The school papers that I decided not to save weren't really the issue. It was the pages upon pages of her notebook papers that I threw that gave me pause. While I was going through them, to make sure there wasn't anything I was going to keep, I pictured her as a little girl piling all her special papers that she was so very proud of on top of Mom and Dad's piano stool.


For a moment or two I physically felt the same panic I used to feel when I would pick her papers up and put them in a box to hide them from her. I always felt guilty picking the papers up and taking them away from her when she wasn't looking, but if I hadn't we'd have had papers piled to the ceiling years ago. There was just so very little she ever asked for that I felt bad taking one of the few things away from her that she enjoyed so much. I didn't feel like a very good mom, for sure. And all of those feelings came rushing back tonight as I was going through the boxes. 


The feelings of unease carried over into the sorting of the second box. I absolutely abhor boxes like this one. It was a mix of paperwork, little toys the girls loved, necklaces, bracelets and mouse turds. There were a couple of tins in the box that I didn't save to use, but I did put with the scrap metal to recycle. And 90% of the stuff in the box went in the trash or in the shredables, but that doesn't mean it was easy to sort the stuff out.

The toys were plastic. I could sterilize the toys. I actually set them aside to do exactly that for awhile. There was a little change in the box as well, so I did clean it with an antibacterial wipe and put it in the piggy bank. I figured it was cleaner than the vast majority of coins in the piggy bank once I got done using the wipe on it, so that was easy enough. It's not like anyone will be handling it with any regularity anyway.

I found a copy of a letter Hubster's great grandfather had written in the 1890s that had been translated from Swedish to English after he'd moved to the States from Sweden so many years ago. There was also a snapshot of me and Hubster out at dinner when we were dating and a grouping of pictures that came out of a booth where you put quarters in at a mall to capture the moment. Bugster is holding a 3 month old Scooter on her lap, and the baby is wailing. Hopper is over to Bugster's side, and is laughing hysterically at the noises coming out of Scooter's mouth. It's a precious picture, to be sure, and I'm very glad I found it.


I also came across a 110 camera with a built-in flash in the box. I'll stick new batteries in and try to take the last couple of pictures on the film and then get it developed. I have no clue what we'll find when we get the pictures back. It ought to be interesting.


Most all of that was easy, but I really struggled when I came across the necklaces and bracelets. There was a really cute necklace with wooden hearts and wooden spools on it that I had just loved on the girls. It had a white heart, red spools, and a blue cord, and it was just adorable. I came really close to trying to figure out how to get it clean, so I could let Scooter wear it. She's really into jewelry, and she'd have loved it.


I mean, I could have soaked it in bleach water to make sure it was clean. The bracelets, too. One of the necklaces had definitely been made by Hopper or Scooter. It had all sorts of wacky, fun, colorful beads on it, including a pacifier bead, and I could have gotten in clean enough for the girls to wear again. And then I remembered all the beads we have downstairs just waiting for the girls to make new necklaces and bracelets, and how I really didn't need to save any of them. 


I probably would never feel comfortable enough to let the girls wear the bracelets and necklaces, even if I thought I'd gotten them clean enough. I'd likely just store them somewhere allowing them to make me feel guilty for not doing anything with them and not giving them to the girls and they'd sit there waiting for me to get to them. Someday. So I took a big breath, and I threw them in the trash.


Then I looked at the handful of toys I'd set aside to wash. I'm not sure what I'd have done with them. I probably would have bleached them til no color was left in the plastic all the while telling myself I was saving them for Bugster's babies. That she might just want to keep them for her little ones to play with. But she's going to want to buy toys for her little ones herself. She's not going to want toys that had mouse turds on them and she's not sure are clean enough for her babies. I don't want that for my grandchildren, either.


And then I realized the hoarder part of me was trying to take over. It was trying to make my decisions for me. To keep me feeling insecure. To keep me hanging on. To control me. 


So instead of waiting to deal with the toys Someday, I decided to deal with them now. Today. I threw them all in the trash, and although I have a slight residual feeling of panic, they're gone, and they're not coming back. 


I'll count it as a victory. 


A small victory, but a victory, nonetheless.


And it didn't happen Someday. It happened Today.

All my troubles seemed so far away...

So I worked on sorting paperwork today. Remember the big mound of boxes in our study that I posted a picture of here? Well, I needed to get started on it. 

I feel pretty good about what I got done so far, but I need to stop for the night. My back is hurting still from the other day, so I'm going to call it a night soon. 

In the meantime, I was able to get 3 boxes sorted. Most of it went in the trash or the shreadables. The rest is set aside for scanning a little bit later. Hubster got me a portable document scanner for my birthday, and I just got it set up in the last few days. I am loving it! But I do have a lot to scan, so I think for right now I'm going to just keep a crate with stuff in it I need to scan. I'll get to it eventually, and this will give me a chance to get through the other boxes more quickly. I really need to get through them, too. I'm looking for birth certificates and social security cards. You know. Things that shouldn't be lost in mountains of paperwork.

But I have to admit that I laughed out loud at something I came across today. It was a hand over hand handwriting exercise done at school to help Hopper practice her printing.Now that I've scanned it, I'll throw it out, but it just made the sorting so worth it....

Mark played with the yarn in the yard yesturday.

More of a miss than a hit day.

Whatever this stomach bug we have floating around our house has been so sporadic. It seems to be hitting one of us every other day, and not to complain, but it's getting old. It's making it hard to accomplish much of anything.


Yesterday started off as a good day for Hopper. She'd been looking forward to going to her day program all last week, and she woke up in a great mood yesterday. She was ready to go to 'work'. Happy and out the door in a flash when her ride got here.


However, she was out of sorts when she got home. She burst into tears on several occasions and just seemed so sad that she had to wait another week before going to her program. She went to bed within 30 minutes of getting home, and she was sound asleep by 3:00. She didn't get up today until after 1:00, and she was back in bed by 5:00. She's not feverish, but she's definitely not feeling well.


I might be concerned that something happened at work, if she were upset she'd be going back next week, or if she weren't begging to see the aide she's paired with each week. She loves work. She also has been very much aware of the fact that she would only be going to her program once a week over the summer, so I don't know that it's even that she is sad over not getting to go more often. It's more than just seeming off. She even looks off. 


Then again, that doesn't really surprise me. I woke up feeling just fine this morning, but I ended up feeling horrible within a short time of eating breakfast. I couldn't eat anything all day. When I finally started feeling better this evening, I ended up with a headache and stuffy nose just from going out to get the mail. There's a lot of smoke in the air from the different fires around the area and from the major wildfires in New Mexico that the wind is blowing into town. 


I couldn't smell the smoke this morning when I went out to turn the soaker hose on to water the garden, but I think it must have been worse than I realized. I was quite dizzy when I came in, and I figured it had to do with whatever's been ailing us. However, after my sinuses being assaulted the way they were when I checked the mail, I'm beginning to think the dizziness this morning was due to the smoke messing with my sinuses. The asthma was an added bonus. 


I need to leave the mail checking and garden watering to someone else until the air clears. 


In the meantime, I'll be looking for the rest of the receipts I need to finish up the paperwork. I've found several of them, but I need to find the rest. While I'm going through the paperwork to find them, I've been bagging up more shredables to be put through the professional shredders. I was making decent progress when I realized I made a mistake, and I had to go through 4 bags to pick out somethings I shouldn't have tossed. 


I realized some time ago that I don't need to keep Hopper and Scooter's report cards. They don't really get what they are. They don't really get grades, so the cards don't really say anything. Instead, they have IEPs that have chronicled their progress over the years. I'd torn up a few of them and tossed them in the shredables thinking that I didn't need them. And while we no longer really need them, I realized it was a mistake to throw them away. I want the information in them. They tell of how far the girls have come, and I don't ever want to forget. 


Eventually, I'll get a portable document scanner and scan them all into the computer. Once that's done, I'll be fine putting them in the shredables. It's going to take a little time and some tape to get them in good enough condition to scan, so I'll set them aside until I have time to get to them. 


In the meantime, it's time for bed. Past time, really. 


So hoping tomorrow is a better day. 

Debbie Downer strikes again.

The last couple of weeks appear to be catching up with me.


I put off taking care of some very important paperwork that I should have done months ago, in order to dehoard as much of the house as possible as quickly as possible. And partially just because it slipped my mind. I got a reminder about the paperwork being due a week or so before we left for my nephew's wedding, but I thought I'd have time to get it done right after we got home.



I was wrong.


Got news in the mail today that I didn't have the extra time to get it done as I was hoping I had. Unfortunately, it's going to affect our lives quite negatively until I can get all the receipts together and get the paperwork turned in. It's going to be like digging for buried treasure to find everything I need, and it's probably going to take just as long. 


The whole situation has raised the stress level around here tenfold. I don't like stress. It makes me cranky. It makes me short with The Hubster. It makes me feel weak and like a great big crybaby when things get overwhelming, and I blubber over the slightest thing. 


To top things off and add to the stress, I can feel I'm getting sick. My throat is sore. My lungs are tight. Although I think the lung situation is my asthma deciding to flare up with our return to the higher altitude and exposure to different irritants that exacerbated it while we were gone, I think the throat thing is a whole different story. 


Several weeks before Mom left to go home, I had a sore throat that reared up a few weeks after I'd had a cold. It got steadily worse, and I had a rather large white spot on the back of my throat, so I went in for a strep test. It came back negative. I ended up having to go in for several tests, and the antibiotics took forever to do their thing. The final diagnosis was that I had an abscess of the soft tissue in my throat. Apparently part of my tonsil has grown back, and it had become infected. 


Four weeks of antibiotics infected. 


I'm hoping that gargling warm salt water and getting some extra sleep will keep me off the antibiotics. 


I'm feeling too much like Debbie Downer, and I don't like to keep her company. 


It always turns into a contest. 

Uff Da!

I've been meaning to write more often than I have since Mom went back home, but I've been busy, and by the time I sit down to write, I'm either so tired I fall asleep, or I can't put my thoughts into words. It doesn't help that we've all been sick around here, and I've had daily headaches for over a week. But blogging has helped me work through things by talking about them, and I need to make it a priority again. I may just have to switch up the time of day I sit down to blog and see, if that helps.

I've been working on the boxes of paperwork that came in from the garage. I've gone through 6 or 7 boxes so far. I've thrown out a gigantic black bag full of trash, and I've gotten 10 bags of shredables from it all, so it's definitely progress. It's really exciting to know that I won't have to ever sort through the stuff that has gone to the shredables or out the door to the trash. What a relief!

There have been some adorable things I've come across, like Bugster's drawings from when she was tiny. She was just under a year old when she drew her first face, so some of these drawings are absolutely amazing and precious, both. I'm glad I dated so many of them at the time she was drawing them. Some of the cards she made when she was about 5 are precious. She says how much she loves one of us on the front of the card, fills the inside of it with Xs and Os or with hearts to make sure we know they're full of love, and then she writes, "The End" on the backs of the cards. 

And right now, I just can't throw them away. If I do ever get to the point I do throw them away, I won't do it before scanning them into the computer, so I have a digital copy of them. They're absolutely precious, and I can't bring myself to part with them just yet.

That being said, I am simply amazed at some of the things I saved over the years. Not only did I hang onto the little pictures Bugster drew, but I can't count how many pieces of paper I came across that only possessed a scribble or two. 

I can tell how stressful our lives were at the time each box was packed away based on how many things I find that I failed to give myself permission to throw away. Some boxes correlate withe exceptionally stressful times in our lives and are full of page after page of scribbled papers, proofs of purchases and UPC codes that take up as much as 1/8 of the box of paperwork. 

I also realize that I didn't throw a single receipt from a doctor's office over the years, and I kept each explanation of benefits that we received from the insurance companies, as well. I wrote before about not knowing what I was supposed to keep and save from paperwork, and while I have tossed the vast majority of these in the shredables, I wish that I'd at least kept track of the dates of service to put a timeline together of the doctors' visits over the years. It would have been staggering. If nothing else, it would have been interesting to put together a timeline of hospitalizations and trips back and forth to Norfolk, and I still may try to piece one together from the paperwork I've saved, but I am not going to try to dig anything out of the shredables to do so.

I've come across used gift wrap that I found pretty at the time and for whatever reason found irresistible enough to squirrel away. I'm sure some I saved for craft projects, but I allowed myself to let it go. I've already started a second big black bag for trash, and the gift wrap has found it's way to the bottom of the bag. 


I know that some of the paperwork has been saved, because I was overwhelmed at the time it was tossed into the box and I didn't have the time to sort through it. Most boxes so far have contained everything from newspaper articles to shut off notices from the utility companies (paying the bills were the last thing on our minds when Scooter and Hopper were in the hospital, and we didn't know, if they were going to come home or not!), to candy wrappers and greeting cards. And none of that really came as a surprise, because it wasn't uncommon for a table or counter's contents to end up in a box when we were getting ready for a birthday celebration or the holidays.


There have been a few things I've found that took me off guard. Like poems I'd written in junior high and high school that make it very obvious looking back that I had depression issues. Like my little red vinyl wallet with the blue heart on the front from elementary school that still had pictures in it of kids I knew growing up. Like mildewed black and white portraits of me, 1 of my sisters and 2 of my brothers that I'd salvaged in the hopes of getting them restored.


But nothing quite prepared me for the last thing I found carefully placed in a sandwich bag....

Scooter O'Shea's belly button!

 

I may just live forever.

While finishing sorting through a box of paperwork today, I came across a couple of things that made me laugh...

The first is a plastic placard that can hang on a mirror or a window with a suction cup that still has the price tag on the back, in spite of the fact the suction cup is missing. It's got a cartoon from Cathy Guisewite's, "Cathy", comic strip on it. Cathy is on the phone with her mother. She's wearing her robe and red slippers standing next to her bed, which is heaped with clothes and hangers. The mother asks, "Are your clothes laid out, Sweetie?" to which Cathy, rolling her eyes, replies, "My clothes are laid out, Mother." 


I obviously found it funny and could identify with it when I bought it in the first place, and I find it funny but somewhat unsettling now. I think I may have been trying to tell myself something when I bought it, but I wasn't able to hear what that was. But it's still funny, because I see myself, Bugster, Hopper and Scooter all in it. However, I don't find it funny enough to keep. It will go in the donation box, unless someone wants me to send it to them. Email me, if you want it.
 
The second thing I found was a photocopy of a Calvin & Hobbes cartoon. Calvin is scowling with his shoulders hunched over, and the caption under him says, "God put me on earth to accomplish a certain number of things. Right now I am so far behind I will never die."


Looks like I've got a long life ahead of me.

Mack Attack!

Last night while minding my own business, my voice got up and left. I think it was bored with the conversation. Then, when I woke up this morning, I not only felt like I'd been run over by a Mack truck, but I felt like it had backed up and decided to try it again. 

Twice.


We've got the crud that's going around, although it hasn't hit my lungs just yet like it has Scooter's. I have just been hit with overwhelming fatigue. Hopper has had the fever and the fatigue (she slept 21 hours the night before last and 16 hours last night), but she has no cough just yet. The Hubster missed 4 days of work from it last week, and Frank had it a few weeks ago. Bugster's lungs have been zapped with the crud, and she sounds horrible on the phone. So far, it appears as though the only one who has escaped unscathed so far is Bubster. Hope he doesn't end up with it, too.


I'm trying to take it easier physically. I don't want this crud to get the better of me. So I decided to work on paperwork.


A couple of weeks before Mom left to go home, she helped me in the garage. That's where we found all the extra boxes of laundry, after I thought we'd gotten it all done a few weeks prior. We cleared out at least 1/3 of the garage. We have this huge empty space now and can actually see the back wall of the garage. Before, we could barely make it out of the kitchen, and there was just a small path out to the porch. 

The clothes that were out there have been sorted, washed, thrown, donated or given away. I mentioned the other day that we donated 49 bags of clothes that had come in from the garage and 23 bags from the laundry that I'd been working on for the last 9 years or so. What I failed to mention is that I sent at right at 60 bags home with Mom for my sister's family, and I probably threw at least 50 bags, if not more.


The clothes that are still here are either going to be sold, worn, or put away for Bugster to go through to see, if she wants any when she has little ones of her own. They've been sorted according to size, folded and neatly put in some of the rubber totes that I emptied out and scrubbed with bleach. The totes will be stored in the garage inside large plastic bags, so there's absolutely no chance of bugs, mice or dust getting them dirty, so they'll take up a little bit of that free space we opened up.


What won't be taking up the free space is paperwork. After I dusted 2 dozen or so boxes of paperwork in the garage and brought them into the kitchen, Mom wiped them all off with a bleach-soaked cloth to disinfect them. Then she stacked them all neatly in the study for me to sort through. I started on them today.


I got through one box fairly quickly. It was full of proofs of purchases for items I was going to send in for rebates or special offers. There were soup labels, yogurt lids, cereal box tops, and the cardboard pieces that are torn away on boxes of tissues, so the contents of the box are accessible. The box was full to the top, and 99.9% of it went in the trash or in the shredables. And as tempting as it was to save the soup labels and cereal box tops for the local schools to send in for credit, I allowed myself to throw them away. To let go.


Then I started on the next box. It's a hard box to sort through. There's a lot in there I need to save. The medical records from many of the visits back and forth to Virginia are in the box, as well as the results of Bugster's genetic testing we had done 20 years ago. She's going to need that in the next few years, so I'm glad I came across it.


I'm about halfway through the box and I'd like to finish it before I go to bed, but I'm okay with it, if I don't get it finished up until tomorrow.


I can feel a caravan of Mack trucks lining up to run me down.

It's beginning to look a lot like Christmas.

Back in January when Bugster took the Christmas tree down for us, we set up the card table, so I could put the decorations she wasn't sure what to do with away, and they'd be at a more comfortable level for my back. After the decorations were put away, the card table went into the corner of the living room and was promptly filled it to overflowing with stuff. All sorts of stuff. And today I got the itch to tackle it.

I was able to sort through most everything, and what I didn't get to I was able to stack neatly in the study. I was able to go through a lot of paperwork and ended up with 2 more bags of shredables to add to my overall total as well as a huge black trash bag full of, well, trash. I will hopefully be able to get to to the paperwork I put in the study fairly soon. I'm not counting on getting through it all before I have to go in for surgery, but you never know. Hope springs eternal.

I'm absolutely thrilled with The Hubster today. We've had a broken handle on the toilet for a couple of years. Something happened, and it never flushed correctly. We had to hold the handle down to flush it, because the float didn't work right, and the flapper would snap shut and keep the water from flowing to the bowl, if we didn't. It killed my back and drove me nuts, but there was concern the water intake would leak, if it was turned off, and that was the last thing we needed. Hubster decided to take his chances today anyway and replace the flapper and the handle, and we didn't end up with any sort of a leak. Did I mention I am absolutely thrilled.

He did the heavy lifting today, too, and brought the mirrors up and put them on the back porch, so I can hopefully start working on sanding and painting them tomorrow. I can do the etching anytime, but the painting can only be done when it's warm enough outside for the paint. It will be good to get started on them.

We'll hopefully also work on the cubby that we need to get together up above the refrigerator and stove. One of the boxes that was under the card table was a box of things that had to come down from there when we tore the cabinet out. I've got a few similar boxes sitting on the floor in the kitchen just waiting for the cubby to be put up. We just need to make a few cuts and assemble the box. I painted the boards a long time ago. We'll hopefully be working on getting it together tomorrow. I'd really like to have the things put away before I have surgery.

It seems like every year before the holidays, I have every intention of getting things done early enough that I'm not trying to make the house presentable the night before we have our celebration, but it never happens. This year, it's going to happen. I need for it to be finished this year more than years in the past, but the biggest thing I have going for me this year more than years in the past is motivation.

With starting this early, the holiday stress will surely be at a minimum. I'm looking forward to that!

Who else thinks we need 30 hours in a day instead of only 24?

Once again, I'm sitting down to blog much later than I should. In fact, I should probably be in bed by now, but here I sit.

I worked on painting again today, but between the painting and the scrubbing yesterday my wrists are both a bit sore. So I braced my left wrist and worked on paperwork instead.

Have I mentioned I really detest paperwork? I hate having it hanging over me, but I put it off, because I can't stand doing it. So then it just flaps in the breezes of my mind waiting for me to get to it. The flapping finally got to me today.

This is insurance paperwork. Stuff I needed to do, so we can be reimbursed for things. Gah. I still have more to do, but this was the most important, so at least I've done my part. The rest is up to The Hubster. He'll have to fax some paperwork, but it should be done by tomorrow night. That's a relief.

I'm making this quick tonight. I've got to get some sleep. I hate how busy I've been lately, because I have put all online activities on the back burner out of necessity. It's good, because I've been able to get more accomplished, but it's frustrating to me, too. I would love to have about 8 hours a day to read blogs and do general web surfing, but until I have a spare 8 hours, I'm afraid I'll be limiting my time.

:::sigh:::

I'm sure things will slow down eventually.

Is it really worth it? Probably so.

Yesterday, we met with the mortgage broker and got the refinancing started. The paperwork took longer than we anticipated. I'd asked the broker before we went for our meeting what all I paperwork I needed to keep from the original home loan or from when we had refinanced before. Bless her heart. She told me to bring it along, and she would go through it with me, so I could know what could be tossed. She also told me what should or shouldn't be kept after we close this loan as well, so I know what can go straight into the shredables when we finish with everything. I'm so thankful she took the time to help.

I've always struggled with what to throw away as far as paperwork goes. It's hard to differentiate between what should be kept and what I should toss. That's why I had 28 of bags of shredables in such a short period of time once I started sorting through things months ago, even though I haven't added to the count for several months. The bag count is up to 30 at this point after having worked on paperwork last week and this weekend a bit, but I expect I'll add a good 50 bags to the total before I'm finished with my journey.

I don't have a problem with certain types of paperwork. I can get rid of newspapers easily most of the time. I have a crate I keep them in until I drop them off to be recycled. However, when The Hubster tried to drop them off today, he found the drop boxes are just gone. Because I don't have a place to store them, and because I don't want to keep the papers for fear of not getting rid of them later, they'll be going in the trash this time. I'm not willing to take the risk.

But I digress.

I made a purposeful decision that I knew was going to make me horrible uncomfortable last week. I was right. I was very uncomfortable when the decision was confirmed yesterday at the broker's.

We will have to have an appraisal of our house in order to refinance. I knew last week when I talked to the broker the first time to find out more information. I knew that someone would need to come into our house to determine it's value. And while I was conscious of that fact, I wasn't worried or concerned. At least not at that point. I knew the discomfort would come, but I also knew that I wasn't going to hide from it. I need to face my fears in order to get past this hoarding issue I have.

Yesterday, the fear hit when we were talking with the broker. Heart palpitations. Sweaty palms. Stomach in a knot. You get the drift. And while I knew that an appraiser would be coming in the house and would take pictures outside, it didn't dawn on me that they would be taking pictures inside. But they will. They will be taking plenty of pictures, and there will be a lot of people who see the pictures. I'm not really looking forward to that, but I will deal with it. I have to. If things get really bad, and I don't feel I can handle the stress while the appraiser is here, I'll just leave for awhile. I'm hoping not to do that. I think it will help me more in the long run to stay here and deal with the stress rather than to run away.

It won't be pleasant.

It probably won't be easy.

But I think it's necessary.

Welcome to the future.

Let me just say that I can tell why Hopper and Scooter have been sleeping so much. At the height of whatever this bug is, Hopper was sleeping as much as 20 hours a day. Scooter was sleeping about 16. The fatigue hit me today. I was awake for a couple hours this morning and just couldn't get warm and couldn't stay awake. So I went back to bed and froze for a couple hours. I was a bit warmer when I woke up, but I periodically fell asleep while working on paperwork today.

I wasn't able to get as much done as I wanted, which seems to be my mantra of late. I did what I could to get paperwork that has accumulated in the living room this summer gathered up, so I can sort it. However, between the spontaneous snoozing and the pain going down my right leg from my back, I didn't get a lot done.

On a good note, though, Hopper and Scooter were awake most of the day today. Longer than they have been in days. I'm hoping this means I'm just a day or two behind them. I want to get busy again. If nothing else, I'll plug away at paperwork and see, if I can't make a dent in it between nap attacks.

The other night, I was watching, Hoarding: Buried Alive, since I was feeling so punky. I try to watch Hoarding shows for homework, so my focus stays on the big picture. The gentleman featured on the show collected newspaper articles. He had stacks upon stacks of newspapers he still had to go through as well as stacks upon stacks of articles he'd already removed. He ended up not really liking the professional organizer, as their personalities clashed, so he decided to do the work on his own. I have to admit he did a really good job of clearing things out.

But the thing that caught my attention was that the organizer brought a portable document scanner for him to use to scan the articles and keep them in his computer. About a year ago, a friend had suggested I get some sort of a card scanner to use for receipts and business cards, since we have so many doctors' cards due to the girls, but I'd totally forgotten her suggestion until I saw the show. We do have a flatbed scanner as part of our printer, but it can be cumbersome to use, and it takes forever. First, the document or photo you want scanned has to be previewed, and then accepted, and each scanning takes at least 2 minutes from beginning to end.

The scanner that was shown on the show was almost instantaneous. It was similar to the card scanners used at doctor's offices, only bigger. It was big enough to scan legal documents, so I think it would work for any paperwork we had. If we eventually get one, I'll have to do some research to see which one to buy. I'll also need to see, if the documents would somehow be memory hogs in the computer, or if I'd need tons of SD cards to store all of the information I scanned.

While it may not happen for awhile, I am thinking this could help us tremendously. I think of all the time it would save. We have more paperwork than we know what to do with. I have already purged our home of 28 grocery bags of shredables, but I know I will likely have dozens more by the time I'm done dehoarding. That doesn't even touch all that I haven't sorted or have saved.

This is definitely something to take into consideration.

Better than UGH.

I looked for an hour or so for the tickets/gift certificates this morning, but I couldn't find them to save my life.

Thankfully, my life was not on the line.

I called the chuckwagon place, and the woman who answered assured me she would do everything she could to help me. So I explained the situation. She then told me it was her first day on the job. Ha. Still. She was exceptionally sweet and really wanted to help. So she took all the info I could give her on the gift certificates and my phone number and promised to call me back. The phone rang less than 10 minutes later.

The gentleman who called was very nice. I quickly explained the situation and asked, if there was any way they could check to verify to see that I wasn't lying. He laughed. He said he had the all the information verified already and that new gift certificates would be mailed out. I could expect them in a day or two.

Whew. What a relief.

Haven't started on the insurance paperwork again. My head's not in it just yet.

I did pull a lot of threads, though. I will eventually be making several skirts with the strips I'm working on. It's at least something I can do when I can't do much of anything physical. I should be finished up with pulling threads soon. Then I can start piecing the skirts together, and I'm really looking forward to it.

I got several loads of laundry done today, so I guess it wasn't a complete waste of a day. I have to admit, though, that I'm looking forward to next week. I should be no longer be feeling lousy from the antibiotics by then, so I can hopefully get back in the swing of things like they were before surgery.

Looking forward to that!

One word to sum up my day?

Ugh.

That pretty much sums it up.

For Christmas last year, my sister and Mom bought some (8 total) tickets to a local chuckwagon show for us to enjoy sometime this summer. I put them in a specific place where they would be safe the moment we opened them up. However, they've been moved. Here it is 8 months later, and we have no idea where they are. I spent hours looking for them today to no avail. I'll be looking for them tomorrow as well as calling the venue to see, if they can replace them for us. Unfortunately, I'm not too hopeful about them replacing them for us, because they were purchased as a fundraiser for a cancer victim. I just have a feeling we'll lose out, if we don't find them in the next couple of days.

I'm feeling stressed tonight with several things hanging over my head. I have to remember to get the insurance paperwork redone. The same insurance paperwork that I spent hours and hours on several months ago needs to be redone. The payout they paid us was based on depreciated values, which is understandable. However, they depreciated what we'd already depreciated, so I have to start over again and give them a non-depreciated value on things. I feel like throwing up at the mere thought.

The insurance agent just kept telling me to do my best on it. I already had. I gave it my all. And telling me to do my best doesn't take any of the stress away. It adds to it, because I tend to be overly thorough when I do my best. Perfectionism has it's place, but it's also a pain in the neck in situations like this. It's super hard for me to lump things together instead of redoing things line by line. I'm not looking forward to it.

I felt a little better today, but it's mostly due to the ankle wrap I found and used. Well, the ankle wrap and pain pills. The one antibiotic I'm on makes me hurt all over, but due to allergies, it's the only one I can take that will work on this infection. I don't think it's just the fibromyalgia flaring up. I'm pretty sure it's the antibiotic itself, because I've hurt the last several times I've used it. This particular antibiotic is known for causing tendon ruptures as much as 6 months after it's been taken to clear up an infection. And my ankle/heal has hurt nonstop for the last couple of days. I realized part of it is the type of sock I've been wearing as well, so I've been wearing slippers all day to keep from having anything tight around my ankle.

The ankle wrap helped today, and I'll wear it and the slippers again tomorrow, so I'll be able to get something more accomplished.

It's just been.... frustrating.

I'm hoping to get something done in the form of paperwork tomorrow, so I can get this stuff off my mind. I hate things hanging over my head, and especially when it feels like I have so many things in the air at once.