Is it really worth it? Probably so.

Yesterday, we met with the mortgage broker and got the refinancing started. The paperwork took longer than we anticipated. I'd asked the broker before we went for our meeting what all I paperwork I needed to keep from the original home loan or from when we had refinanced before. Bless her heart. She told me to bring it along, and she would go through it with me, so I could know what could be tossed. She also told me what should or shouldn't be kept after we close this loan as well, so I know what can go straight into the shredables when we finish with everything. I'm so thankful she took the time to help.

I've always struggled with what to throw away as far as paperwork goes. It's hard to differentiate between what should be kept and what I should toss. That's why I had 28 of bags of shredables in such a short period of time once I started sorting through things months ago, even though I haven't added to the count for several months. The bag count is up to 30 at this point after having worked on paperwork last week and this weekend a bit, but I expect I'll add a good 50 bags to the total before I'm finished with my journey.

I don't have a problem with certain types of paperwork. I can get rid of newspapers easily most of the time. I have a crate I keep them in until I drop them off to be recycled. However, when The Hubster tried to drop them off today, he found the drop boxes are just gone. Because I don't have a place to store them, and because I don't want to keep the papers for fear of not getting rid of them later, they'll be going in the trash this time. I'm not willing to take the risk.

But I digress.

I made a purposeful decision that I knew was going to make me horrible uncomfortable last week. I was right. I was very uncomfortable when the decision was confirmed yesterday at the broker's.

We will have to have an appraisal of our house in order to refinance. I knew last week when I talked to the broker the first time to find out more information. I knew that someone would need to come into our house to determine it's value. And while I was conscious of that fact, I wasn't worried or concerned. At least not at that point. I knew the discomfort would come, but I also knew that I wasn't going to hide from it. I need to face my fears in order to get past this hoarding issue I have.

Yesterday, the fear hit when we were talking with the broker. Heart palpitations. Sweaty palms. Stomach in a knot. You get the drift. And while I knew that an appraiser would be coming in the house and would take pictures outside, it didn't dawn on me that they would be taking pictures inside. But they will. They will be taking plenty of pictures, and there will be a lot of people who see the pictures. I'm not really looking forward to that, but I will deal with it. I have to. If things get really bad, and I don't feel I can handle the stress while the appraiser is here, I'll just leave for awhile. I'm hoping not to do that. I think it will help me more in the long run to stay here and deal with the stress rather than to run away.

It won't be pleasant.

It probably won't be easy.

But I think it's necessary.

I. Am. SO. Impressed.

We had a Monday Morning Meltdown before school today. Our middle daughter was upset she couldn't help her younger sister get ready for school and raged for a full 30 minutes. Her meltdowns are brutal. She gets right in your face, turns different shades of red and purple and yells, "NO!" as though she's been through a self-defense class and has actually been attacked. The yelling and crying is accompanied by clenched fists and the occasional hop up and down as she tries to get herself together.

She tries to keep herself under control and not hit me, but this morning she was so angry she shoved me by the shoulders while I was sitting down. I felt her fingerprints for several hours due to the fibromyalgia. The meltdown lasted lasted for 30 minutes straight. There is no talking with her. No reasoning. She is out of control when it happens. When anyone does try to say anything to her they are met with an ear piercing, "NO!" If she starts moving towards her little sister, one of us moves between them. She's never attacked her sister (only me and her dad once), but we know she could do serious damage, if she did.

We're breathing a collective sigh of relief that it's over. We're hoping it means she's done with meltdowns for another month. We're hopeful that by then the Theanine will have reached it's full potential, and she won't have another episode. That sounds... heavenly.

Her meltdowns drain me physically and mentally both. So this morning, I went back to bed for awhile after we got the girls off to school. When I woke up, I got busy in their bedroom. When they got home from school, I had our middle daughter help me finish things up. Then all 3 of us went through almost everything that had been in the bedroom and sorted it.

Our youngest, who is non-verbal would sign her version of "finished", if she no longer wanted an item. She put the toys she wanted to keep in a basket. Our middle daughter is verbal, but she does struggle with words and how to say things. So if she didn't want to keep something, she'd say, "Keep it. NO more!" and wave her hands in her way of she was done with it.

I was in shock and so very, very proud of them. I made sure I told them. Often! They easily got rid of 2/3 of their toys! (1 huge box that we sorted when my mom was here that was 2' cubed, another box that was at 75% the size of the first box, a big black garbage bag of toys (I ran out of boxes) plus a sizable box of wooden blocks. They also got rid of at least 15 pair of shoes, flip flops or slippers.

Things that they were never able to part with before were gladly put in the box of toys to donate. The hardest thing for me to see go was a little die cast dump truck with Big Bird at the wheel. It was our oldest's favorite toy when she was tiny. All 3 of the girls played and played with it, and I was shocked when our middle daughter said, "Keep it NO more!" It's the only thing they got rid of that I thought twice about.

And I've thought more than twice about it. It's one of only 3 or 4 times I've had physical symptoms when getting rid of something. I'm still contemplating having it returned to me. I have slight heart palpitations knowing it's gone, and my mind keeps wandering and wondering, if I made the right choice to give it away. I may just ask the person who has it now, if they'd mind taking a picture of it and emailing me the picture. I really should have done that before I let it go out the door, but I didn't want the girls to see me struggle with it. I didn't want them to see me search through everything they'd given up only to retrieve it.

Our oldest and her husband came over, loaded all that we'd gone through into the back of our car, and dropped it off at my friend's house for her and her kids to go through and take what they wanted. They will pass along what they don't want to friends or family or donate it for me.

It is no longer my problem.

Yay!

I am so excited and happy about dehoarding their bedroom. I still have to clean out the closet and a small toy box, but compared to what we've already gotten rid of, that ain't nothin' but a thing!

And I am so impressed with the girls and how they shone that I don't have adequate words!