Well, That Escalated Quickly

I hate when this happens. 

I get a thought or idea in my head. Something special. Something that I feel is meaningful, but others don't. And yet I need their help to pull it off, so it falls apart. And then I fall apart. Or explode. Or a bit of both.

Today was one such day.

We watched Baby Bug today, and I was able to finish up a handprint/footprint painting for both sets of great grandparents, and for her other grandmother. Each painting consisted of no less than 3 footprints and no less than 2 handprints. And while that doesn't sound like any big deal, it's no small feat with a 1 year old. And we had so much fun doing it! She was really enjoying herself, and so was I.

We laughed about the fact that I got paint on my clothes, and she got some on her paint clothes, too. We talked about each of the characters in the paintings, and she was very proud of all her hard work! We talked about her giving her painting to her other grandmother. (The great grands live out of state). It really was a lot of fun.

She was getting tired, so I held her while she napped, and I drifted off a bit myself, because once she starts that deep rhythmic breathing once she closes her eyes, my breathing follows suit. It's rare that I can keep my eyes open when I hold her when she's napping. I thoroughly enjoy the snuggles. The time goes so fast. Why is it that babies are little for such a short time?

The plan when she woke up from her nap was to take pictures in front of the Christmas tree, so we could take it down. I want her to be able to see pictures of what she looked like when she painted these masterpieces. I wanted her to see how proud she was years from now when she looked back at her former self holding her paintings. I wanted to give her parents a picture to go with the paintings she did for them, because they are little for such a short amount of time. 

And I wanted a picture of us together. Because years from now when I look at it, I want to be able to feel her little arms around mine. To breathe her in again as I look at the pictures. To remember all the fun we had. 

But nobody would help me.

Bugster got off early, and I asked her, if she could help. She said yes at first, and then she changed her mind. I asked Hubster, but he's having a bad Parkinson's day. He's been cold all day. So he spent most of the day under a blanket in his recliner. And by the time he realized I needed help I'd been talking about for weeks, Bubster showed up to pick up Baby Bug. 

And things just fell apart. I asked Bubster, if he would help. He jokingly said 'no', because he says that a lot. But he also didn't do a thing to help me. And of course, when Baby Bug saw her daddy, it was all over. And she wouldn't sit with me for pictures. So they went home.

And I was left with all sorts of emotions that I wasn't prepared for. Disappointment apparently wasn't enough. I went straight into self-loathing, self-hatred, and every negative memory from every single negative experience in my life flooded in at once. And I exploded. Which made me hate myself even more. 

I'm just done. 

I'm done with having a Christmas tree in my living room for 4 months. I'm done with falling victim to my high expectations, (who knew a snapshot was a high expectation?). I'm done with my husband having Parkinson's and life being so incredibly different than what it was supposed to be. And I'm done with asking for help. 

I'm just done. 

Time changes everything.

They say that time changes everything, but it's always been a bit of a paradox to me. It rushes. It stands still. It messes with your memory but also firms up those magical moments in your life and allows you to reminisce about them as though they happened yesterday. 

I have a lot of those magical moments in my life. Some are amazing memories: Meeting Hubster for the first time. Getting married. Almost passing out at the amazing news we were expecting Bugster and then welcoming her just a few months later. Anticipating Hopper's arrival. Opening the best birthday gift I've ever received when having Scooter. Some are just plain awful. And while there's no need for me to remember them just to write them in a blog post, I will keep them tucked away. They are a part of me. 

I will instead just focus on those wonderful, magical memories that I've been so very blessed to have. I'm able to open them over and over again and live the days like they just happened. And there's one in particular that I will enjoy reliving time and time again.

It was when I finally got to meet Baby Bug...our precious little granddaughter...

Bugster had been fighting high blood pressure the last week or so of her pregnancy. She wasn't bedridden, but if it didn't come down right away by lying down, she needed to go in for a BP check. She took her blood pressure multiple times a day with a little wrist cuff, and it always went down when she rested on her side until the day it didn't. So she packed her bag for the hospital. (I know. She should have had it done. But it always seems like "The Day" is never actually going to arrive, and when it comes a week before you're planning on it, it catches you unaware). So she and Bubster headed out to the hospital. 

My mom, who had flown down to be here for her newest great-granddaughter's arrival, and I decided we'd better get that last coat of paint on the nursery room walls while we still could. (Frank finally moved out about 10 days prior, and there's no way Bugster could do any of the cleaning, let alone the painting in her condition). I was just putting the finishing touches of soft pink paint in the closet when Bugster called. 

She was crying.  

Bubster had run down to the cafeteria to get them something to eat really quick when the doctor came in and told her that they needed to induce her. And even though she was expecting it, it took her off guard to hear it while she was alone. And all of her pent up emotions that had been carefully held in check for 9 months rose to the surface during the phone call. I don't think she was scared as much as she just wasn't quite mentally prepared. But by the time the phone call was over, she was ready to get the show on the road.

So we packed up and headed out, too. We ran home, (had Calamity, who was supposed to be helping us paint but settled for keeping us company, follow us to our house, so she could follow us to the hospital), changed clothes, and waited for our friend to head over to watch the girls for us. It felt like time stood still, went in slow motion, and whizzed past us all during that half hour. It's amazing how you can almost see time in instances like that. 

We stayed at the hospital for a couple of hours and left when Bugster asked us all to clear out. Her main intent was to get Calamity to go home, and she wouldn't leave, if we didn't. The last thing we needed was to stick around and have Bugster's blood pressure rise, so we went home and relieved our friend who was watching the girls. We watched tv for a bit, called to say goodnight to Bugster, and went to bed. I wondered about the sanity of crawling into bed at the time, but Bugster assured us that she was doing fine, and there wasn't anything else to do.

The moment I actually drifted off to the Land of Slumber, the phone rang. It was Bugster. She was crying again. They had given her the medicine to start the induction. It was given in the hope that she wouldn't need pitocin. And it had kicked in. Hard. Like Transition Hard. And she was alone. Bubster had run home to get some creature comforts for his overnight stay and to feed the cats. She had told him to go but regretted it the moment the contractions took over. 

Her blood pressure was rising even more, and it was time to make a decision. She could choose to try an epidural to keep her blood pressure down, or she could opt for magnesium. Neither was her first choice, but the natural birth she had wanted wasn't going to happen. She decided to give the epidural a chance, since the pain was causing her blood pressure to rise. 

By the time Hubster and I made it to the hospital, (we left my mom with the girls, because we couldn't get ahold of our friend to sit with them again. She'd absentmindedly turned the ringer off on her phone.), Bubster was back at the hospital, the epidural was in place, and Bugster seemed at peace and out of pain. 

Hubster took advantage of the quiet of the waiting room at 1:00 in the morning to read and snooze, while I waited in Bugster's room waiting for the dragging time to quicken a bit, visited quietly with the doula and hit the pain pump for Bugster's epidural when she grimaced in her sleep. I wanted her to be as comfortable as possible. I knew what was coming. She didn't.

When the nurse came in to check her progress a few hours later, everyone was shocked to find that Bugster was ready to go! The medicine had done it's job, and the epidural allowed her to sleep through every bit of labor! Time went into warp speed again. I woke Hubster up, so he could go get Mom, called our friend, who had since turned her ringer back on, and waited impatiently for them to get back to the hospital. They were just in time. Hubster and Mom came in to give Bugster a quick hug and tell her she was going to do great and headed back out to the waiting room. 

What seemed like moments later, a doctor came running from across the ward behind them. He yelled out asking the nurses where he needed to go. Hubster immediately recognized it as Bugster's room, and I know time had to have absolutely dragged for them while waiting for news. In the meantime, we were stuck in this time warp, where poor Bugster had to wait for the doctor to come in. Baby Bug could wait no longer to make her appearance. The doctor no sooner donned his paper gown than she appeared.

She was beautiful. She had a headful of downy black hair. And she wasn't moving or crying like she should. Time stood completely still, as I reassured Bugster that she had done an amazing job and listened to her and Bubster talk about how alert and beautiful and quiet their little girl was. I'm glad they got to see her look at them. I'm glad they had that special moment with one another, because what I saw was not as encouraging, and time stood perfectly still, in spite of the clock on the wall ticking above the noise of the nurses working on the baby.

I realized I was holding my breath. I needed to hear everything. I needed to hear her little cries. And my breathing was much too loud. And time stopped in its tracks. Moments later, we heard those beautiful little mewls that newborns make. And those beautiful little mewls turned into even more amazing little cries. And then she came over to meet her mommy and daddy for real. 

And she was breathtaking.

She IS breathtaking. 

She takes my breath away every time I see her. 

Every time I hold her. 

Every time I think of her. 

And time ceases. 

A place for everything, and everything in its place?

For the last hour, I've been trying to sort my thoughts out enough to write a coherent blog. It hasn't happened so far, so I have a feeling it's not going to happen any time soon. I've got so many different things fighting to get out of my head, but I can't seem to untangle them, so I'll write about them another time.

Bugster, Bubster and Frank came over today for a few hours. It was wonderful seeing them and catching up. It seems like we never get to spend enough time with them.

I have my list of things ready to work on tomorrow. I've got plans. I'll be working on some stuff in the kitchen. We have a baker's rack that needs an extra shelf in it. We have such limited storage in the kitchen that it falls into disarray easily. I'm hoping that, if there's a place for everything it will be easier to keep up. It gets frustrating when there's no place to put things away, and then they tend to be left out.

I'm looking forward to working with the shelf. 

It means I get to use my power tools. :D

Thoughts.

I've had a lot on my mind today. Nothing really extraordinary...just...life.


I rarely dream. I struggle with getting all the way to REM sleep most nights. It is what it is. When I wake up and actually remember a dream, it's unusual. This morning I'd decided to take a little nap after getting Scooter off to school. Hopper had decided to go back to bed and start her day a little later, too, so I felt comfortable getting a little shuteye. So this morning, when the phone rang the first time, and I realized I was dreaming, I was a little surprised. 


It was Bugster. We had a bit of a freak snowstorm hit, and it was super icy outside. The defrost in her car wasn't working, and she realized the car was overheating. She couldn't get Bubster on the phone, so she called us to help her figure out what to do. She decided to try Bubster again, and I told her to call back and let us know, if she got a hold of her husband. If not, I knew Hubster would go help her out.


When Bugster called back a little bit later to let me know that she'd called in and let them know she wouldn't be able to make it to work, she once again woke me up from a dream. It was a weird dream with pieces of our past melded with pieces of our right now. It included lots of people from our past and present lives, and it was just sort of fun. But it did surprise me that I'd been able to get into the REM cycle twice within such a short period of time.


I was still exhausted, so I closed my eyes once again. It felt as though my head had hardly touched the pillow when the phone rang for the third time waking me from yet another dream - this time about someone opening my cupboard doors after my house was completely dehoarded and asking me why I still had so many cake pans. I tried pulling my head out of the cupboard in my dreams and bring myself back to the conversation at hand. It was Bugster once again. Her radiator had sprung a leak, but Bubster had been able to help her get the car home and was going to replace her radiator before he went to work. 


I took the third call as my cue to get up for the day, but I have to admit I'd have loved to have crawled back into bed. I heard from Bugster a few hours later that Bubster had indeed been able to replace the radiator and get to work on time. It made my heart swell with pride knowing that our son-in-law was taking such good care of our girl. The more we get to know him, the longer they are together, the more we are so very grateful that he is her husband.


We aren't sure how it happened, since he didn't learn it from either of his parents, but Bubster is such a responsible young man. As parents, we have always seen Bugster take her responsibilities seriously, so it didn't come as such a huge surprise that she's such a responsible adult. But they have taken on so much with Frank.


It's so incredibly unfair that he was first abandoned by his mother and then a short 3 years later was deserted by his father. Seriously, who does that? And it got me to thinking. What causes some people to refuse to take responsibility and compels others to take on way more than their fair share?


I get that there are a lot of different circumstances that can factor in.  Finances. Physical health. Mental health. Age. Maturity. 


I get that. I really do. And sometimes, I think that those factors are valid reasons not to take on certain responsibilities. But when does a valid reason turn into just another excuse for bad behavior? When does it turn into an excuse to pawn your responsibilities off on someone else?


I'm really struggling with Bubster and Frank's parents about now. The extra responsibility Bugster and her husband have taken on by taking Frank in is taking its toll. Don't get me wrong. Their marriage isn't in trouble. They're still very much in love and very much willing to have Frank live right where he is in the extra bedroom. But they never really have time alone. They've never had that awkward but wonderfully fun adjustment period with just the two of them against the world. And it angers me. 


It angers me that two adults who should be taking their roles as parents seriously are so selfish that they pawned their youngest off on young adults just starting out on their own. 


Mostly, I'm just so incredibly proud of Bugster and Bubster for being the amazing, selfless people they are that they continue to sacrifice, so Bubster's little brother has a home. A family. And love.


And I am honored to call them my family. 

Tired. That's all.

Long day today. 

Celebrated the Bubster's birthday today. Enjoyed the time with the kids. Came home and watched an amazing Broncos game with Hubster and the girls. And ached all over.

I'm not sure, if I'm getting what the girls have, (they were both feverish before they went to bed), or if it's just a firbro flare, but I've  been pretty much exhausted, achy and wheezy all day. I'm sure the asthma is just kicked up from being at Bugster & Bubster's house. I've got a severe allergy to dogs, and they've got 2, plus they have 4 cats and a rabbit. The dogs were outside, and they vacuumed before we got over there, but I just don't think it takes much. 

I'd love to get allergy shots, so we can get a dog at some point, but I don't know, if my allergies are too severe for them to help. We really miss having a dog. It kills me when we go to Bugster's, because their dog used to be ours, and I can't pet her or be around her at all. She has a tendency to pant in your face to get attention, and that always takes my breath away. It makes me so sad, because I know she misses me. She was my buddy. 

Maybe someday. 

But today I need a dog today, like I need another hole in my head. 

A little of this. A little of that.

I've been a bit out of sorts lately, but I think I'm back on track.


My Christmas gift has been in the shop for 3 of the last 4 weeks. I finally got it back last week. The Hubster was a bit frustrated that they didn't fix my netbook the first time it went in (when they replaced the hard drive), but he's glad they fixed the touch pad, and I have it back. It means he gets to use his again whenever he wants, since I used it while mine wasn't available. I'm really glad to have my computer back and in good working order again. And I'm superdeeduperdee thankful that Bugster figured out the password for the network, so we didn't have to reset it, and I can access the internet again!


Bugster, Bubster, Hopper, Scooter and Frank surprised us with a gorgeous arrangement of 25 roses that Bugster made for us for our 25th wedding anniversary. She did an amazing job, and they are still gorgeous a week later! Then Bugster and Bubster came over to our house and hung out with Hopper and Scooter, so we could go celebrate.
                            



We spent the day enjoying one another's company and got some much needed alone time. We did a little shopping, went out to eat at a Greek restaurant that was out of this world, and went to the movies. But our favorite part of the day was spent at a paint-your-own pottery place where the customer paints the piece, and the shop fires it for you. We've gone to this little place a few times over the years for our anniversary, and I have to say it's one of my favorite ways to spend time with Hubster. There's no stress, pleasant conversation, and one on one time with my favorite guy. It's a win-win all the way around.


We didn't get to the shop in time to finish the painting in one sitting, so we'll get to go back and spend some more time together at some point in the upcoming weeks. We're very much looking forward to having that time together and seeing our finished creations. I'm definitely looking forward to finishing our mugs and picture frame, but I'm most looking forward to seeing the necklace Hubster makes after the beads he painted have been fired!


We did a lot of sitting the day we went out, and my back has bothered me ever since. I've been having problems with nerve pain in my legs and feet again lately. It happens when I'm in the middle of a fibro flare, and one started up a couple of weeks ago for me. I took a medicine I'd been prescribed quite some time ago, and it took care of the neuropathy pain within an hour. I felt so much better, but the pain started up again the next day, so I tried it again with good results. However, the third day when I took it, I made the mistake of taking it on an empty stomach, and I couldn't seem to stay awake for the next 2 days. If I sat down, I dozed off. So I stood. A lot.


I'm feeling a bit stupid for not trusting myself to stay away from the medication that I'd stopped taking once before. I won't make that mistake again. If I am as out of it as I've been after only 3 doses, I know that it's not a medicine I can ever take again. I just have to try to figure out how to keep the fibro from flaring, so I don't have the neuropathy issues as often.


I am hoping to get some help this weekend to make a raised vegetable garden bed, so I can get my tomatoes and peppers in the ground. As much as I love my umbrella planter, I don't think I'll be doing upside-down tomatoes in it anymore. I don't think they get quite enough sun to really flourish, so the tomatoes and peppers are going to go in the ground this year, and I think I'm going to try flowers in the planter. The strawberries looked great last year in them, and they did okay, but they didn't come back this year, so they're out, too. I can't afford to buy new strawberry plants every year.


Right now, I'm going to go work on pinatas and dishes and laundry and such. Maybe if I get something done, my head will stop aching. 

One can hope.

Mack Attack!

Last night while minding my own business, my voice got up and left. I think it was bored with the conversation. Then, when I woke up this morning, I not only felt like I'd been run over by a Mack truck, but I felt like it had backed up and decided to try it again. 

Twice.


We've got the crud that's going around, although it hasn't hit my lungs just yet like it has Scooter's. I have just been hit with overwhelming fatigue. Hopper has had the fever and the fatigue (she slept 21 hours the night before last and 16 hours last night), but she has no cough just yet. The Hubster missed 4 days of work from it last week, and Frank had it a few weeks ago. Bugster's lungs have been zapped with the crud, and she sounds horrible on the phone. So far, it appears as though the only one who has escaped unscathed so far is Bubster. Hope he doesn't end up with it, too.


I'm trying to take it easier physically. I don't want this crud to get the better of me. So I decided to work on paperwork.


A couple of weeks before Mom left to go home, she helped me in the garage. That's where we found all the extra boxes of laundry, after I thought we'd gotten it all done a few weeks prior. We cleared out at least 1/3 of the garage. We have this huge empty space now and can actually see the back wall of the garage. Before, we could barely make it out of the kitchen, and there was just a small path out to the porch. 

The clothes that were out there have been sorted, washed, thrown, donated or given away. I mentioned the other day that we donated 49 bags of clothes that had come in from the garage and 23 bags from the laundry that I'd been working on for the last 9 years or so. What I failed to mention is that I sent at right at 60 bags home with Mom for my sister's family, and I probably threw at least 50 bags, if not more.


The clothes that are still here are either going to be sold, worn, or put away for Bugster to go through to see, if she wants any when she has little ones of her own. They've been sorted according to size, folded and neatly put in some of the rubber totes that I emptied out and scrubbed with bleach. The totes will be stored in the garage inside large plastic bags, so there's absolutely no chance of bugs, mice or dust getting them dirty, so they'll take up a little bit of that free space we opened up.


What won't be taking up the free space is paperwork. After I dusted 2 dozen or so boxes of paperwork in the garage and brought them into the kitchen, Mom wiped them all off with a bleach-soaked cloth to disinfect them. Then she stacked them all neatly in the study for me to sort through. I started on them today.


I got through one box fairly quickly. It was full of proofs of purchases for items I was going to send in for rebates or special offers. There were soup labels, yogurt lids, cereal box tops, and the cardboard pieces that are torn away on boxes of tissues, so the contents of the box are accessible. The box was full to the top, and 99.9% of it went in the trash or in the shredables. And as tempting as it was to save the soup labels and cereal box tops for the local schools to send in for credit, I allowed myself to throw them away. To let go.


Then I started on the next box. It's a hard box to sort through. There's a lot in there I need to save. The medical records from many of the visits back and forth to Virginia are in the box, as well as the results of Bugster's genetic testing we had done 20 years ago. She's going to need that in the next few years, so I'm glad I came across it.


I'm about halfway through the box and I'd like to finish it before I go to bed, but I'm okay with it, if I don't get it finished up until tomorrow.


I can feel a caravan of Mack trucks lining up to run me down.

Santa has left the building.

Christmas is finally over for the family who lives in the Closet.


Mom left for home Sunday.


It's amazing how empty the house is without her and her adorable little dog, but we will be eternally grateful to have had her here for so long! I am incredibly blessed to count her as one of my best friends. Ever. 


She encouraged me to keep going, even when I felt like I had no more to give while cleaning out the different rooms, and I'm so thankful for that. We accomplished so much while she was here, and I have every intention of keeping on keeping on.

At Mom's urging, I started keeping track of the loads of laundry I did after we found the boxes of laundry in the garage. I started working on them back on April 4th. In the last 15 days, I've done 73 loads. Of those 73 loads, 7 or so were bedding, towels or clothing we use day to day. 


And just when I thought I was done, I wasn't. Shortly after The Hubster left to take Mom home, I went to the laundry room to get a load started in the washer. I looked around the room to assess what I still had to do when I spotted a box I'd seen in there but hadn't really paid it any attention.

We'd brought some Christmas things in from the garage to put away with the holiday decorations. I've mentioned before that the laundry room is also where we store the decorations behind sliding closet doors and the box was sitting by the closet. The box was sitting on a large tote of Christmas wrap that had been brought in from the garage, so when I saw it sitting there, I assumed it was decorations.


You know what they say about assuming.


I opened the flaps of the box expecting to find ornaments when what to my wondering eyes should appear but a box full of laundry that meant something dear. I laughed out loud at the absurdity of it all. Here I'd thought I'd finished the last of the laundry from years ago except for the 2 dresses I had left that needed to be washed separately from the other clothing.

Instead, I found the box is full of clothes from my childhood. I took the time to sort it today after finishing up the girls' bedding in the wash and got the first load started to soak. I squealed when I saw my Holly Hobbie pillowcases from when I was a child. I adored Holly Hobbie, and finding the pillowcases, both the one my parents bought for me and the one Mom made me just made me happy inside and out.


There were also some of my favorite shirts from high school which will work for Scooter and her eclectic choices that make up her mix and match style. One of my favorite outfits Mom made me as a kid was in there, too. Not only did she make me the shirt and pants that matched, but she made shorts as well. I remember feeling so special when I wore that little outfit! And while my girls are too big to wear it, I am saving it. If we have no granddaughters to wear it eventually, I will save some of it for a quilt I have planned to make from a few of my favorite things.

I also found the vest my grandmother lovingly knit for me when I was about 10. It's yummy robin's egg blue with a pretty pink accent. Gramma always knitted vests or scarves or hats for us kids. We loved getting her packages in the mail and could hardly wait to try them on. Many a school picture was taken in a vest Gramma knitted for us. Seeing the vest brought back many happy memories in an instant. There was also an olive green shawl with a salmon pink accent that I'm sure Gramma knitted. I'll have to ask Mom. She'll remember.


Needless to say, this last box of clothing opened a floodgate of memories for me. I had mixed emotions, but by and large they were happy memories. I'm anxious to see how well they clean up, what I'll decide to save, what I'll have to toss, and what will be in good enough shape to donate. 


Speaking of donations...


I've been donating the clothes we're getting rid of to a local thrift store. Well, it's sort of a thrift store. They have all sorts of items in there that they sell, but they don't actually sell the clothes. They give them away to whomever might come in and need them. Last Friday, I took 49 bags of clothes down to them. It was so nice to get them out of the house and even nicer knowing that they will help out people who need clothes for their families. 

40 of the 49 bags of clothes that were donated.

There were several bags of clothes that went to the trash after they were torn up in the washing machine, or I couldn't get the stains out. But there were actually very few things that remained stained once I was done with them, and some things came clean that I'd never in a million years expect to get clean. 


For example a hoodie that had set in stains for the last 18 years:

NEVER in a MILLION years!!

Was I ever surprised when this is how it looked when I was all done with it!

Some little girl is going to love this hoodie!

Mom thinks I should send the last two pictures to the makers of Shout, Era Laundry Detergent, OxiClean and Clorox to give them an idea of what their products together can accomplish. 


In every load of clothes I washed that came from the garage, I started out filling the washing machine with hot water, adding a large scoop or two (it depended on how dirty the clothes were) of OxiClean, a cup of Clorox, half a cup of Era and then I sprayed the stains until they were wet with Shout. I followed this routine no matter what color the clothes were. Where the clothes had been stored so long, and there was evidence of mice, I wasn't willing to take any chances with not getting them clean. After a few minutes of dissolving the cleaning products in the hot water, I changed the water temp from hot to warm or cold and would then run the washing machine on the longest cycle it has. I was in shock at how many clothes came out perfect right away.


Those that still had stains went into the sink that held OxiClean water to soak the clothes for a few days. Ninety-nine percent of the stains came out after soaking, if they didn't come out in the first wash. Of the clothes that were donated, there were maybe 5 pieces that had stains no bigger than my little fingernail. The rest looked new.


Most are gone now, and the ones I have left are either being used or packed away for Bugster and Bubster's future babies. 


Best of all? As soon as I finish the last few loads of laundry from the box I just discovered, I will be completely caught up on laundry for the first time in 20 years. 


How unbelievably freeing!

Cheers!

So. My final post of the year. Wow. I can't believe 2010 has come to an end.


In many ways, I'm going to miss 2010. It's been a good year. A really good year, even. It's been full of struggles, full of honesty, reflection and self realization, full of hard work and full of hope and the additions to our family of Bubster and Frank when Bugster and Bubster wed back in April and they took guardianship of Frank over the summer. 

How can I not miss it?


It's been a good year.


But I am so full of hope for 2011 and what it holds in store for our family, that I will gladly bid this year adieu.

In spite of having an infection in my incision wound, I'm feeling quite well. I'm so thankful that I had the surgery. I'm already wishing I'd done it years ago. I am hoping that it will make the difference in my health that I'm thinking it's going to make. 


Last year, I was at my heaviest weight of all time, having taken 6 or 7 courses of steroids after coming down with the swine flu. I was sick all winter. I eventually lost 15 of the 30 pounds I'd gained due to the steroids, but when I came home from surgery, I'd gained the 15 pounds back from the swelling and fluid retention I was experiencing. I wondered, if it was going to take another year to lose it.


It didn't.


Unlike most women who gain weight after a hysterectomy, I have somehow beat the odds so far. I lost the 15 pounds I brought home from the hospital plus an additional 15 pounds. And in spite of the fact that I still have over 100 pounds to lose, I'm 30 pounds closer to my goal and the least I've weighed in 3 years. It gives me hope that I will eventually be successful at losing the weight just like I'm going to eventually finish dehoarding and organizing my home.


I am confident that 2011 is going to be a wonderful continuation of the journey I started January 9, 2010. 


In the meantime, we'll be wrapping up 2010 in a couple of hours. About 30 minutes from now, I'll wake up Hopper, Scooter and Mom (We're still blessed with her company due to a storm that moved in yesterday! We're thrilled!), so we can ring in the New Year together. 


We'll be enjoying our annual New Year's fondue. We'll be fixing chicken, beef and Inside Out Cheeseburgers, and we'll enjoy fresh broccoli, cauliflower, carrots and celery with a Ranch dip made with Greek yogurt instead of sour cream along with cheese and crackers. Once we're done eating, we'll toast with sparkling cider and watch the big ball drop while calling loved ones at the stroke of midnight to wish them Happy New Year. To top things off, it looks like The Hubster will even be able to join us this year!


Oh. You're wondering what Inside Out Cheeseburgers are. 

I understand. 

They're a fun fondue food and taste amazing. They're made by whisking up a couple of eggs and adding whatever spices you wish to use. I just use a little pepper and garlic salt. Add the lean ground beef, (it holds together better in the hot oil than turkey burger) and bread crumbs and mix it together until it's fairly dry but not crumbly. 


Form a ball using 1 to 2 tablespoons of the burger mixture and push a hole down into the center of the ball. Insert a piece of cheese in the hole. I've used Velveeta before, but it disintegrates in oil too easily and seeps out. So use something harder. This year I'm trying Colby Jack cheese, although I may try cheddar next year depending on how things turn out tonight. Anyway, you finish them off by rolling them in breadcrumbs, because they hold together better that way and cook them in your fondue pot until done, which will vary depending on the size. 


So there you have it. We're going to have fun tonight. I had an amazing 2010 filled with both ups and downs but an awful lot of growth and loss. And I'm going to embrace 2011 for all it's worth.


May each of you have an amazing New Year every day of 2011 and be blessed beyond measure! 


Here's to you. To me. To us. 


Cheers!

My apologies for this time warped string of drug-induced incoherency.

So. If you ever have surgery, your incision is rather long, and they give you the option of having a 'pain ball' make sure you take them up on the offer. It makes a huge difference. It dispenses a numbing agent along the entire incision, and it works for several days. I would do it again in a heartbeat. I almost wish I hadn't had to take it out today, but those were the doctor's orders.

I didn't realize the full extent of the usefulness of the thing until the numbing agent wore off within a couple hours of it being removed. I'll just say I'm in more pain than I was and leave it like that. I'm really hoping a good night's sleep in my own bed tonight. I'm tempted to sleep in the recliner, but I don't think I'll be any more comfortable in the recliner than in my bed, so I may as well go where I can really stretch out tonight. 

I can't describe how frustrating it's been to not be able to do anything to help out. I'm having a rough time with it, especially since I was having a hard time slowing down before I went in for surgery. I am hoping I'll be able to step up and work on things soon.

Bugster, Hubster, Frank and Hopper all put up the Nativity Scene that we use every year outside. I always love how it looks. It was a nice surprise to have it done when I came home from the hospital yesterday. It will be really nice, if we can get the Christmas decorations and tree up tomorrow. I know the girls would be thrilled. Plus it's not like I'll be able to move and stretch to put up the decorations, so the timing would be good, if we can get it up while I still have help with it. So it's the priority for tomorrow.

The medicine funk I've been in is interesting. Bugster and I were talking on the phone while I was still in the hospital. She asked me something, and being hopped up on pain medicines I answered in the only way I knew how at the time.
 
I told her she'd better not break up the checkerboard.

I have no idea where that came from, but I got poor Bugster to worrying. She ended up calling her dad, The Hubster, to ask, if I was okay. He assured I was indeed fine, but that I was loopy on pain meds. Ugh. I can't stand that.

I have no idea how coherent this post will end up being when I'm done with it, but at least I can cover the slurred words by typing. 

Hoping to post some pictures tomorrow. 

Right now, I need to go to sleep. I'm wiping up keyboard drool again.  

Gobble Gobble.

Bugster, Bubster and Frank came over for dinner today for Thanksgiving. It was wonderful getting to see them. It's funny and sad how time seems to speed by when we get the opportunity to have them over. We wouldn't miss it for the world, though.

We split the menu, so neither of us was totally overwhelmed with preparing the food. It seemed to work out well, and the food was delicious. I think we'll probably do this for holiday meals from now on. Holidays can just be so stressful, and I think anything that can bring down the stress level is good. It just makes things more enjoyable for everyone, and today was definitely enjoyable.

K and I were able to get a lot accomplished this last week. I will be writing about it and posting pictures in the next few days. Hopefully, I'll be able to do it when I'm more awake than I am now. Maybe tomorrow.

Right now, I'm going to bed thankful for more things than I can even count.

I am incredibly blessed.

Yield not to calamity, but face her boldly. -Virgil

Took the day off today from any major dehoarding. I just got the kitchen cleaned, the refrigerator wiped out, disposed of anything old in the fridge, and ran the dishwasher twice, so I felt good at least getting something done.

Had the kids, (Bugster, Bubster and Frank) over for dinner. I made 10 layer burritos for supper. They were a real hit. I wish they weren't quite as time consuming to make after a long day. I suppose they're not really that time consuming. They just feel that way with a sore back. They're an inexpensive and healthy way to enjoy a fast food alternative.

For anyone who wants to try it:

LaFavorita tortillas. (They're by far the best store bought tortillas, as they're soft and pliable and taste homemade.)

Layers:
1:Fat free refried beans with green chile and lime
2:Browned ground turkey with burrito seasoning
3:Rice (white or brown)
4:Diced tomatoes with green chilies (I use canned for burritos, because they add a little extra moisture to the mix, but I use fresh tomatoes for tacos.)
5:Fresh diced onions
6:Fresh bell pepper sliced thin (I used an orange bell from the garden today.)
7:Fresh banana pepper sliced thin (again from our garden)
8:Diced boiled potatoes
9:Fat free sour cream (Used Greek yogurt for hubby's burritos, because he can't eat sour cream while on the antibiotics for TB exposure.)
10:Shredded cheddar cheese

Once the burritos are loaded and folded (fold sides first then turn and fold ends in) place them opening side down in preheated skillet sprayed with cooking spray. They get a nice crispiness to them that's to die for. They're just...well...yummy. You can really add as many or as few ingredients as you'd like. We just like a lot. One burrito is typically a full meal, although I can never finish mine.

That's what husbands are for.

You can also wrap them in tin foil and grill them to get them crispy. I just prefer using the skillet, because I'm not as apt to watch them closely enough to keep them from burning on the barbie.

I cooked up enough turkey burger and have enough potatoes left that I'm going to make breakfast burritos tomorrow and wrap them individually to use later. It will be handy to be able to take them out of the freezer in the morning and have a decent breakfast for the girls before school. They will just be turkey burger, eggs, potatoes, sour cream and cheese. I know the girls will love having a nice meal like this before school, and we'll love the convenience and ease.

Before they came over, Calamity came by Bugster and Bubster's house to spend some time with Frank. It was a disaster as usual. Within 10 minutes, she started asking Bugster, if she could do a load of laundry, when she knew that the kids had specifically said they do not want her doing her laundry at their house. They have had to have set firm limits with her, because if you give her an inch, she'll take a mile. Thankfully, Bubster took her aside and told her that she would not be washing laundry at their house, and that it was unfair for her to put Bugster in the position of saying no each time, because they've already had this discussion repeatedly. The answer will always be, "No!"

She said she was having problems breathing around the kids' cats, so she didn't want to stick around their house. She asked Frank to go for a ride with her instead, so she could breathe. Then, instead of actually driving around with Frank, she drove over to her boyfriend's and spent no time with the poor kid at all. She hadn't seen Frank in over a month, and then the time she spent with him today wasn't with him but with her boyfriend instead. Within an hour she insisted Bugster come pick him up, because it was "a waste of gas to drive him back" to their house.

It's just such a sad situation. And now that she knows they're coming over here most weekends to spend time with us, she insists she'll be coming over every weekend to try to insinuate herself into their lives. Hopefully, the kids can figure out how best to handle the situation. It may mean setting much firmer limits. I don't envy them, but I am so incredibly proud of both of them.

They've been thrust into such an indefensible situation, yet they're rising to the challenge better than adults twice their ages. I stand in awe of their courage and determination.

They are my heroes.

Oh. The quote by Virgil? Bugster found that today. Couldn't fit the situation much better, could it?

My soul needs cleaned.

It's a good thing that tears cleanse the soul. I've shed quite a few lately.

Yesterday, when I was dealing with the loss of the dreams I had for the girls to use the outdoor toys, I was hit smack dab between the eyes with a sense of loss I've been struggling with for a few months now, but I wasn't even sure what the problem was. And while this loss doesn't directly have anything to do with hoarding I'm afraid that, if I don't deal with it, if I don't acknowledge this loss, if I continue to stuff my feelings that it will backfire on me. I'm concerned I will stop moving forward and my progress will come to a screeching halt. I don't want that to happen.

Let me start off by being really clear about something. I, myself, am responsible for my feelings. They are just that. Feelings. They are neither right nor wrong. They just are. But pretending they aren't there, that they aren't real does me no good at all and has actually been quite detrimental, so here goes...

From the time Bugster was little, I dreamed of her wedding. There was nothing really specific about colors or particular flowers, just that ladybugs would definitely be incorporated. I dreamed of her being walked down the aisle by her daddy. Of her having memories of that incredibly special time with her dad like I have of mine. The whispers, the nervous giggles, the "I love you's", the "You're going to be just fine's", the voice catching in the throat and threatening to spill over, because tears of gratitude and happiness are just under the surface, and the squeezing of hands until you can hardly move your fingers anymore, because the blood is long gone from them. It was replaced by the love that passed between your souls as you share this incredibly special moment.

And to be honest, I wanted something for me. As I said yesterday, I come from a very large family. I have 8 brothers and sisters. And I always assumed that when Bugster got married, that they would be there. Granted, the chances of all of them being there was slim to none, but some of them would be there. They would be there to share in the celebration of our daughter starting her new life with her new husband.

They would be there to support me when I was overwhelmed with emotions. When we went down Memory Lane and saw her as a baby and then a little girl who turned into a lovely young woman, they would be there with me, so I didn't have to go down Memory Lane alone. They would be there to laugh with. To cry with. To hope with. To pray with. To help me wonder where in the world the time flew and how went by at mach speed.

And I know. I know. The wedding isn't about me. And I totally and completely get that. It is absolutely the bride and groom's decision, and not only do I get that, I support it. It was their choice to get married at the courthouse, and I respect that.

But I also feel a little cheated. I feel like Hubster was cheated out of walking his daughter down the aisle. He was cheated of that special walk that prepared him to give his daughter away. The one that's long enough for him to come to grips with saying goodbye to his little girl. Don't get me wrong. I'm grateful that he was able to give her away at the courthouse, but walking her through the doorway isn't the same as a long walk down the aisle. It's so abrupt. There's no time to prepare for what's coming, because by the time you realize exactly which foot is supposed to go first, you're already at your destination.

And I will forever be indebted to Mom for making the trip and surprising Bugster for her wedding. I honestly have no idea how I'd have made it through it without her. It was incredibly difficult, and I was on the verge of tears the entire time. Not because of happiness that my baby had started her new life with Bubster, but because of an intense sadness. I felt so alone.

Calamity decided to drink, even though she had been adamantly been told that she could not order drinks when she asked. We were by and large ignored, while Calamity sidled up to Bugster and Buster's friends at the wedding table at the reception. She then accused me of glaring at her, and thus I was the reason she supposedly drank. What's funny is that I did everything I could to ignore her, because as much as it didn't meet my expectations, this was Bugster's and Bubster's day, not mine.

I wanted nothing to detract from that, and I was afraid I might say something to Calamity that didn't come across right, and give her an excuse to behave poorly.. I don't hate Calamity. I hate what she has done to the boys, but I don't hate her. I don't like her, either, though, and I wasn't raised to be phony, so I did my best to avoid interaction with her. That way, I didn't have to compromise my integrity, and I didn't have to pretend to like her or pretend that I was gloriously happy that they were getting married.

Don't get me wrong. I wasn't horribly unhappy that they were getting married, but I also wasn't gloriously happy, either. It was just so rushed. So. Incomplete. Shoot. Mom and we are the only ones that brought them gifts. Granted, there were only about 20 people in attendance, so it's not like they would have had a table overflowing with presents to get them started in their new life together, but to see that we were the only ones that brought gifts hurt my heart.

You see, our little girl deserved more than this. She deserved a 'real' wedding. Bubster did, too. Especially after having the childhood he had. After what Calamity had done to him over the years we'd known him. It needed to be something more than it was. It needed to be as special as they are.

And I know that they'll be celebrating next year sometime with a more traditional ceremony, but it's not quite the same. Because once you're married it's not quite the same to get married again in another ceremony. Although, I am hoping that there will be a way for family to make it down. To help everyone celebrate their wedded life. But them already being married will change things. It just isn't going to be the same.

I am trying very hard to look forward to the celebration, but it's hard. I'm hoping, if I deal with these feelings that I'm having that I'll be able to celebrate with authenticity next year. That I can be gloriously happy and not feel cheated. That the tears that catch in my throat are tears of happiness and not anguish. After all, Bugster is married to a wonderful young man. He has exceeded our expectations as her husband. He's matured more in the months since they were married than we ever anticipated, and we're so very grateful. He's become a young man instead of the boy of a year ago, and we're beyond thrilled that they're happy.

I'm sure that part of the grief I am feeling is knowing that she's the only one of our daughters that will ever get married. It was our once chance for our dreams to come true, and it hurts terribly that it didn't work out the way we'd hoped. It hurts that it wasn't as special as she is to us.

I'm really hoping I can get over myself and get through the grief I feel, so I can be the mom my daughter deserves next year. Because as much as it hurts to admit it, she deserved more from me this year, too.

Interrupted slumber.

A quick update on Bugster, Bubster and Frank. The paperwork was official enough that they can get Frank enrolled in school, so they've started the process. They really don't want him in the district they live in, because the schools there are pretty rough, so they're trying to get him in the one next to that. They'll find out in a couple of days, if the boundary waiver was accepted. If it is, they'll be ready. They already have the enrollment paperwork filled out and ready to go. Now it's just a waiting game. Thankfully, it shouldn't take too long.

We have got to get Hopper's room cleared out. It's holding a bunch of stuff that came from the main room downstairs when it flooded a little over a year ago. She and Scooter have been sharing Scooter's room all this time, and it's time they each have their own room again. Poor Hopper needs her space.

I'm not sure what set her off tonight, but she's been crying off and on for a couple of hours. She'd calm down for a few minutes, and I'd think she'd finally fallen asleep, and she'd start up again. She can't tell me what's wrong. Only that she has 'sad face'. She's exhausted but cant seem to relax enough to go to sleep. To say this is unusual is an understatement.

She is the Princess of Prolonged Repose.

She often sleeps 12 to 13 hours a day during the school year. And granted, the school year hasn't yet begun, but even during the summer 10 hours is about the least she sleeps. It's rare for her to be up past 8:00p.m., and here it is 10:30. Thankfully, she's no longer crying, but both girls are up now. They have eaten a snack and will be retiring again shortly. Tomorrow will likely be a long day for them.

Yep. They need their own space. And soon.

It's official. I think.

Today I decided to give my back a break from standing on the concrete that is the floor of the patio. I might give my back a break tomorrow, too, since it's supposed to be in the high 90s. The rest of the week is supposed to be a lot cooler, so I'll probably head out to finish things up then.

In the meantime, I did get both Hopper and Scooter's hair cut today. At least for the most part. I know that over the next few days, I'll see a strand or two of hair I've missed, or I'll see where I need to do a little touch up. It's always been this way whether I cut their hair, or somebody else does it. The biggest part of it is out of the way. The rest is easy.

I do take the girls in every once in awhile to get their hair cut, but I like the way it turns out when I cut their hair. I know how it lays. I know that I have to undercut it in the back more deeply than a stylist does, or it doesn't lay right. I can give them a break and let them move around a little more freely than a stylist can, if need be. Plus, I can use the television to keep their attention.

The main reason I decided to cut their hair today, is because I had to do more than trim it. Haircuts can be stressful at times. Especially for Hopper. And where she's had a problem with her anxiety and meltdowns a lot over the last couple months, I was afraid she might melt when she saw I was cutting 5 to 6 inches off. She's really struggled with that sort of thing in the past, so I just wasn't sure. Instead, both girls were thrilled with their new hairdos, and I was happy they were done.

Best thing of all today? Bugster, Bubster and Frank (doesn't that sound like the beginning of a really bad joke?) got great news today. The boys' dad some money for child support, a notarized power of attorney and something (also notarized) granting Bubster and Bugster temporary legal guardianship of Frank. It's good for a year. We're not sure, but we think this means the kids are officially Frank's legal guardians as of this moment.

However, we're not positive. There is a chance that Calamity will have to sign as well, and that doesn't look too promising. She's drinking again, and that's never, ever a good situation. I think Bugster will find out tomorrow when she takes the paperwork to the school to get Frank registered, if they have everything they need, or if they're going to need Calamity's signature. I think we'll all sort of be holding our collective breath until she finds out.

I, for one, am looking forward to breathing again.

Got time for a quickie?

That's all the time I have.

Just posting to say I'm still here. Very, very tired, but still here.

Had the birthday party over at Bugster and Bubster's house. It was a lot of fun. Tried to make homemade ice cream, but something wasn't working right. Think it might have been some cookies in the freezer bogging it down. Thought we'd crushed them small enough that they'd go through, but when we took the baffle out, they were sort of stuck in it. So we never had ice cream. It went back into the fridge for the kids to try again tomorrow.

We did have chocolate cake in the shape of a butterfly for Scooter's birthday. She was so excited about the butterfly things she got for her birthday. That and her Hannah Montana DVD, bracelets and necklaces she got. She made out like a bandit and was so happy! It did our hearts good to see her like that.

We didn't get back home until 11:30 tonight, so it was a long day. We were thrilled to find that the cabinet and a pair of sawhorses were picked up by my friend. It's nice to know that's just a little more out of here. It's slow, but somewhat steady progress we're making. It's good enough for me.

Now I'm off to sit on my heating pad before crawling to bed.

I'll be back tomorrow-hopefully with a report that I got something done.

Calamity

This might take a bit, so bear with me. To say I'm a bit distressed and more than a bit irritated would be an understatement...

Bugster met her husband almost 5 years ago. Bug's hubster (I'll call him 'Bubster') had to step up and be the man of the family when his dad took off with another woman to another part of the country leaving him and his younger brother in the care (and I use that term loosely!) of their mother. It's been an absolute nightmare for the kids.

Bubster was signing his paycheck over to his mom (I'll call her 'Calamity') to buy groceries when he was only 16 or 17. She would buy minimal groceries and drink the rest away. She hasn't had a job that lasted for more than 2 weeks in the entire time we've known Bubster. She has been evicted from every place she's paid rent in that period of time for nonpayment and has been kicked out of friends' homes each of the other places she's lived.

Calamity stole a credit card application out of the mail that was in Bubster's name and stole his identity. He had no idea until the creditors came calling for a card she'd maxed out. She routinely left Bubster and his little brother alone to hang out with her boyfriend who was in jail. That's how the boys spent their last Thanksgiving, Christmas, and New Year together before Bubster moved out on his own-alone for the holidays and forbidden to come to our house for dinner.

She supposedly threw their brand new video games in the trash, because she was mad at the kids, although we suspect she pawned them for booze. She promised bicycles and gifts to the kids and drank the Christmas/birthday money away instead. It was just a hopeless situation.

After one of the evictions, she moved with Bubster's little brother (I'll call him Frank) to the next school district. Calamity did absolutely nothing to enroll him in school at all. Instead, she let him play video games all day long and called it 'homeschooling' (this kind of thing is what gives homeschooling a bad name, and it drives me nuts!) while she'd drown herself in the bottle. We got involved, since we knew the principal of the school he was supposed to be attending, and the principal got the ball rolling. If the principal hadn't gotten involved Bubster's little brother wouldn't be turned over to CPS, because that was the next step we would have taken.

At the end of that school year 3 years ago, Calamity sent Frank to live with his dad, because she 'just couldn't handle it anymore'. It was probably the best thing that could have happened to Frank, as she spiraled even further out of control. The fact that Bubster somehow not only survived this woman but has actually become a decent, upstanding young man is beyond us. We are very, very proud of him and proud to call him our son-in-law.

Fast forward 3 years. Frank came to spend the summer with Bugster, Bubster and Calamity. And although she'd known for months that he would be coming, Calamity did nothing to prepare for his arrival. She had no food. She hadn't done the laundry. Nothing. Can you imagine how welcome he felt?

So Frank, now 14, has spent a lot of the time he's been here with Bugster and Bubster. At this point, he doesn't even like spending time with Calamity. Not only is there nothing to do at her apartment, but she has him babysit for her boyfriend's kids or grandkids for free! He's never met these people before, but she makes him feel obligated. It's just so wrong on so many levels!

Anyway, I've been on the phone most of the day with Bugster. She's at her wit's end. The boys' dad has decided that Frank will not be coming home, because he 'just can't handle it' now. As of right now, it looks like Bugster and Bubster will have Frank living with them. They are looking into guardianship, and there is hope that she will willingly sign Frank over to them, so they don't have a problem with her fighting them.

However, it appears as though they're ready to fight.

Frank is not a disposable child.

They will not let him be thrown away yet again.