Well, That Escalated Quickly

I hate when this happens. 

I get a thought or idea in my head. Something special. Something that I feel is meaningful, but others don't. And yet I need their help to pull it off, so it falls apart. And then I fall apart. Or explode. Or a bit of both.

Today was one such day.

We watched Baby Bug today, and I was able to finish up a handprint/footprint painting for both sets of great grandparents, and for her other grandmother. Each painting consisted of no less than 3 footprints and no less than 2 handprints. And while that doesn't sound like any big deal, it's no small feat with a 1 year old. And we had so much fun doing it! She was really enjoying herself, and so was I.

We laughed about the fact that I got paint on my clothes, and she got some on her paint clothes, too. We talked about each of the characters in the paintings, and she was very proud of all her hard work! We talked about her giving her painting to her other grandmother. (The great grands live out of state). It really was a lot of fun.

She was getting tired, so I held her while she napped, and I drifted off a bit myself, because once she starts that deep rhythmic breathing once she closes her eyes, my breathing follows suit. It's rare that I can keep my eyes open when I hold her when she's napping. I thoroughly enjoy the snuggles. The time goes so fast. Why is it that babies are little for such a short time?

The plan when she woke up from her nap was to take pictures in front of the Christmas tree, so we could take it down. I want her to be able to see pictures of what she looked like when she painted these masterpieces. I wanted her to see how proud she was years from now when she looked back at her former self holding her paintings. I wanted to give her parents a picture to go with the paintings she did for them, because they are little for such a short amount of time. 

And I wanted a picture of us together. Because years from now when I look at it, I want to be able to feel her little arms around mine. To breathe her in again as I look at the pictures. To remember all the fun we had. 

But nobody would help me.

Bugster got off early, and I asked her, if she could help. She said yes at first, and then she changed her mind. I asked Hubster, but he's having a bad Parkinson's day. He's been cold all day. So he spent most of the day under a blanket in his recliner. And by the time he realized I needed help I'd been talking about for weeks, Bubster showed up to pick up Baby Bug. 

And things just fell apart. I asked Bubster, if he would help. He jokingly said 'no', because he says that a lot. But he also didn't do a thing to help me. And of course, when Baby Bug saw her daddy, it was all over. And she wouldn't sit with me for pictures. So they went home.

And I was left with all sorts of emotions that I wasn't prepared for. Disappointment apparently wasn't enough. I went straight into self-loathing, self-hatred, and every negative memory from every single negative experience in my life flooded in at once. And I exploded. Which made me hate myself even more. 

I'm just done. 

I'm done with having a Christmas tree in my living room for 4 months. I'm done with falling victim to my high expectations, (who knew a snapshot was a high expectation?). I'm done with my husband having Parkinson's and life being so incredibly different than what it was supposed to be. And I'm done with asking for help. 

I'm just done. 

Feeling Human...ish

It appears the steroids I'm taking are finally getting a good grip on things. I'm feeling closer to normal than I have in several weeks. I'm hoping this means I'll be able to start accomplishing something, since I've barely been able to do the basics the last few weeks. The house is a disaster, but it's been worse. 

Much worse. 

I'm going to work on getting the Christmas tree down today. It's times like this I'm thankful we didn't put much up this year. It will make it a breeze to put away. I'm sad though. One of the branches on our artificial tree broke sometime between us putting it away last year and putting it up this year. We're going to have to look for a new one next year, since we didn't get a chance to this year. We'll keep this around until it's time to put the tree up next year just in case we don't get around to buying a new one, but it will be out the door the moment we have a replacement. 

Once I get the Christmas decorations put away, I'll work on general cleaning in the house. It won't be much, but it is all I'm capable of at this point. That's okay. I refuse to stress over things. Stressing over things is what got me into this mess in the first place. 

And in the famous words of Scarlett O'Hara, "Tomorrow is another day."

Will a tonsillectomy cure the hiccups?

I can't believe it's been over a month since I last posted! So much has happened in the last 5 weeks, and yet it feels as though nothing has happened at all. It's just sort of a blur.

We woke up the day before Thanksgiving with a horrible cold. Within a few days, it had moved into our chests, which resulted in nebulizer treatments, fever, chills and exhaustion. Scooter ended up with an infected ear to go with her sinus infections, and I ended up with another abscess on the back of my throat. 

Antibiotics and oral steroids followed by a second course of antibiotics and IV steroids, and I'm finally free of the infection in my throat. But I have not been able to warm up the last couple of days, so I'm really hoping I'm not coming down with something else. In the meantime, I'm scheduled for a second tonsillectomy in mid-January. Once is usually enough, but a small portion, (about the size of my small fingernail), of my tonsil grew back, and it's what is causing the repeated abscesses. It just needs to go. 

The day after Thanksgiving, Frank twisted his ankle while he was playing Extreme Frisbee in the park with his friends. He severely sprained it and has only been able to put weight on it in the last week. We thought for sure he was going to have to have surgery to fix it, but since he got the right kind of boot on his foot, it seems to be healing much more quickly. I know he's more than ready to be done with it all and to get back to walking without pain. 

Thankfully, the health issues we've had have been nothing but hiccups. They're not going to kill us. They're just a little annoying and last longer than we'd like. 

You know. Sort of like laundry.

I hope each of you had a Blessed Thanksgiving and Christmas! And in case I'm not back here before 2013, I wish you all a New Year full of the Lord's blessings!