Compulsive hoarding is a mental disorder that is just beginning to be understood. As a hoarder, I have acquired things over the years with a specific purpose in mind at the time of the acquisition, used some of those items for their intended purposes, forgotten the goal for different objects, but now that I find that they have outlived their purpose in my life I am struggling to rid myself of those same things.

You can read the start of my journey here.

Saturday, June 19, 2010

Do you have a problem with change?

I wouldn't describe myself as being fluent in computers or techy by any means, but I'm not 100% computer illiterate either. However, I have to admit to being pleased with myself for figuring out how to post to my blog by email.

Go ahead.

Get it out of your system.

I can see you rolling your eyes! Hello!

Please. Just get it over with.

Are you done now?

Good. Just let me have my little moment, okay? I'm tired. It's been a long week. But I'm thrilled that I can start to compose a post from my phone while I'm at the doctor's office or waiting at the DMV or wherever one might find me. And I have to admit that I'm excited about not having to have a computer at hand in order to post to my blog. It's very freeing.

For whatever reason, I didn't realize this option was available. I guess I just haven't looked for the option, because I've had other things on my mind. No matter. I figured it out. But the entire time I've had a blog, which hasn't been all that long, I do things a specific way.

I go to, and I look to see which blogs have been updated. And although I don't always comment, I do read all posts at least 95% of the time. But I access them from the homepage. I have such a rough time remembering to look at the posts in the RSS feed that is delivered to my inbox. It's out of the ordinary, and I like the way I do things now. So why should I change? Unfortunately, that also means I catch up on some blogs only once a week or so when I check my email. Will I do it any differently now that I'm very much aware of it?

Probably not.

I tend to resist change. I don't know, if I've just had my fill of change, or if it's part of the hoarding mentality or what, but I don't like it. Well. For the most part, anyway. Some change is good. Watching Hoarders for the first time months ago was the catalyst to an entire lifestyle change. That was a really good change, and yet I find I still resist it on some days.

However, my friend came over the other day with her son. He's going to be watering our outdoor plants when we're on vacation, and she wanted a visual of what was expected of him. She wanted to see the pinatas I'd made, and I wanted to show them to her, so I had her come in. The house was a bit of a disaster, but it was better than it was the last time she was here. But the big change came with me.

I surprised myself by boldly opening the door and not only inviting them in, but shuttling them through the house to look at the pinatas I'd made and the cookie jar, etc. We then went through the garage that makes me cringe every time I go through the door, and I led them into the backyard to the plants. The thing that surprises me the most is that I was so at ease. Normally my pulse is racing, my palms are sweating, and my breath quickens when I have to let someone in the house. This day? I didn't even flinch.

I'm not sure, if part of it is that my trust has deepened with this friend. I know she won't judge me for the hoarding in spite of the fact that she's pretty much the exact opposite of me and gets rid of almost everything. I'm not sure, if this confidence has to do with becoming comfortable in my own skin, because I know I have a problem, but I'm working really, really hard to overcome it, or what. I just know that it was a little victory for me to allow someone in my house, give them a tour, and not even flinch in embarrassment.

Don't get me wrong. I'm still embarrassed by the mess, but I have come so very far in the last several months, that it doesn't bother me like it used to. Like it did when the kids were little, and I'd pretend I couldn't hear the doorbell or someone knocking, because I didn't want to have to open the door and expose the mess. I didn't want to expose me and my shortcomings.

Yep. I'll keep this change.

I'm no longer paralyzed by stuff.


  1. I hate change. I'm better at dealing with it now, but I still hate it.

  2. You're doing such a great job! The big hurdle is not the mess but your attitude about it! :::High Fives!:::

  3. I have issues with change. I THINK I'm getting better with time, but then, thinking of some inevitable changes TERRIFIES me.

    Being comfortable - or not uncomfortable - with your friend coming in the house is HUGE! It speaks volumes of not only the work you've done to the house, but about your attitude towards it and your own self-esteem. (In my opinion, anyways.)


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