Recharging.

Things are going well here. We're thrilled that weather is keeping Mom here and we get to enjoy her company a bit longer.

We've been plugging away here and there on the dehoarding when we can. We've gotten most of the Christmas decor put away, but we'll take the tree down tomorrow and get the decorations put away that I didn't get around to last year. They've just been sitting in baskets waiting all this time. They'll be dusty, to be sure, but I'll be thrilled to dust them and get them put away. It will be such a relief to finally have them done.

It's been so nice having Mom around to be able to bounce ideas off. I've had problems getting rid of a few things and talking with her has helped me make decisions. For example...


Several years ago, The Hubster was deployed, and he asked his mom to order flowers for me. So she did, and she signed the card instead of just letting the florist. When she signed the card, she wrote 'I "love" you' on it from my husband. It's bothered me all this time. Like she thought that the love from my husband needed to be in quotes, because the love he had for me wasn't real love. So all these years, I've hated the mug, but I've kept it in the cupboard, because it technically came from my husband. 


I don't know. Maybe the quotes for her are like underlining are for other people. Maybe she uses them for emphasis in a good way rather than to sew doubt. I don't think any of us have ever gotten a birthday card from her without the word, happy, being in quotes. It somehow has always felt like the wishes weren't actually sincere. If she hadn't been a proof-reader for several years, maybe it wouldn't bother me, but I can't help but let my mind obsess over it. And every single time I see that mug, it brings back that horrible obsession, and I don't have time in my life for negative reminders like that.


It went in the donation box. I know my husband won't mind a bit. He'll be glad to have a little more room in the cupboard.


Another thing I've dealt with is a little teapot that my cousin made and gave us for our wedding. It's not that she did a poor job on it that I don't want it. I mean, it does come close to matching my good china in color, in spite of the fact it doesn't come close in style, but we haven't used it once in the almost 25 years we've had it. Not once. And now, it just makes me sad, because it reminds me of the ugliness she and her mom and sister treated her brother with. I'm not going to go into it here, but it's just very ugly, and I don't want to be reminded of that sort of ugliness every time I look at it.

Bugster wants the teapot, and she is more than welcome to it. I'll let her get rid of it, if she doesn't want it anymore. I think she just wants it to potentially use next summer when she and Bubster have their formal wedding ceremony. I am sort of hoping she doesn't find it as appealing once she sees it again and decides to donate it. I'm sure someone will find it worthwhile and have good memories associated with it. 


In the meantime, I'll be enjoying the space it used to occupy.

I'll try this last one one last time. I've accidentally erased it 4 times now...


Several years ago, I had a friend who did what she could to cause strife between Bugster and me. I didn't find out about it until I'd gone to see my dad and be with Mom and my siblings two days before we lost him to lung cancer. The night before he died, this so-called friend told Bugster I was taking advantage of her by going to be with my dad when he died. Thankfully, instead of being successful in driving that wedge deeper, the situation brought Bugster and me closer together.

During our "friendship", this woman had her husband, a very talented artist, make us personalized Christmas ornaments for our tree. They were gorgeous. Our names were painted in white on red satin Christmas balls. They had beaded holly leaves made of green glass seed beads. They were absolutely gorgeous. But when I came across them this year, I realized that they only reminded me of her ugliness towards me and my family.


They went in the trash.


So even though I haven't had time to write about things every day since Mom has been here, I'm making huge strides. I'm learning that I don't need to hang onto things I don't like due to obligation, and it's not worth hanging onto things that are hideous to me due to circumstance. No matter how beautiful they may actually be. 

Life's too short to be emotionally drained by things.

Do you have a problem with change?

I wouldn't describe myself as being fluent in computers or techy by any means, but I'm not 100% computer illiterate either. However, I have to admit to being pleased with myself for figuring out how to post to my blog by email.

Go ahead.

Get it out of your system.

I can see you rolling your eyes! Hello!

Please. Just get it over with.

Are you done now?

Good. Just let me have my little moment, okay? I'm tired. It's been a long week. But I'm thrilled that I can start to compose a post from my phone while I'm at the doctor's office or waiting at the DMV or wherever one might find me. And I have to admit that I'm excited about not having to have a computer at hand in order to post to my blog. It's very freeing.

For whatever reason, I didn't realize this option was available. I guess I just haven't looked for the option, because I've had other things on my mind. No matter. I figured it out. But the entire time I've had a blog, which hasn't been all that long, I do things a specific way.

I go to blogger.com, and I look to see which blogs have been updated. And although I don't always comment, I do read all posts at least 95% of the time. But I access them from the homepage. I have such a rough time remembering to look at the posts in the RSS feed that is delivered to my inbox. It's out of the ordinary, and I like the way I do things now. So why should I change? Unfortunately, that also means I catch up on some blogs only once a week or so when I check my email. Will I do it any differently now that I'm very much aware of it?

Probably not.

I tend to resist change. I don't know, if I've just had my fill of change, or if it's part of the hoarding mentality or what, but I don't like it. Well. For the most part, anyway. Some change is good. Watching Hoarders for the first time months ago was the catalyst to an entire lifestyle change. That was a really good change, and yet I find I still resist it on some days.

However, my friend came over the other day with her son. He's going to be watering our outdoor plants when we're on vacation, and she wanted a visual of what was expected of him. She wanted to see the pinatas I'd made, and I wanted to show them to her, so I had her come in. The house was a bit of a disaster, but it was better than it was the last time she was here. But the big change came with me.

I surprised myself by boldly opening the door and not only inviting them in, but shuttling them through the house to look at the pinatas I'd made and the cookie jar, etc. We then went through the garage that makes me cringe every time I go through the door, and I led them into the backyard to the plants. The thing that surprises me the most is that I was so at ease. Normally my pulse is racing, my palms are sweating, and my breath quickens when I have to let someone in the house. This day? I didn't even flinch.

I'm not sure, if part of it is that my trust has deepened with this friend. I know she won't judge me for the hoarding in spite of the fact that she's pretty much the exact opposite of me and gets rid of almost everything. I'm not sure, if this confidence has to do with becoming comfortable in my own skin, because I know I have a problem, but I'm working really, really hard to overcome it, or what. I just know that it was a little victory for me to allow someone in my house, give them a tour, and not even flinch in embarrassment.

Don't get me wrong. I'm still embarrassed by the mess, but I have come so very far in the last several months, that it doesn't bother me like it used to. Like it did when the kids were little, and I'd pretend I couldn't hear the doorbell or someone knocking, because I didn't want to have to open the door and expose the mess. I didn't want to expose me and my shortcomings.

Yep. I'll keep this change.

I'm no longer paralyzed by stuff.

I think I can. I think I can.

My asthma has been acting up a bit today. It's because I forgot to wear a mask while cleaning the curtains in my bedroom yesterday. I was afraid of that. As a result, I haven't been able to do as much as I would like without coughing up a storm. So I've taken it a little easier today.

When I have a day when I'm not able to accomplish as much as I'd like, I do try to remind myself of the fact that I'm a hoarder and that I need to keep on task, so I can get out of this rut. So I did 'homework' today in the form of watching the latest Hoarders episode. It was an update (filmed a year later) on 4 different people that they'd helped in the first season.

Of the four, there was one complete failure. The home looked just as bad as it did before the show went in and helped the family out, but in all fairness, there was such a resistance to the cleaning at the time that the crew was not able to completely clean the house up when they were there initially. It apparently didn't take long for the woman to fill the house back up, and she now faces jail time, if she isn't able to get the house cleaned within the time frame given. At the rate of progress she's making, it looks like she's probably going to serve time.

The second situation was similar to the first in that the crew was not able to completely clean this man's property. He is still getting citations on a weekly basis to get things cleaned up for 'criminal littering'. He has several acres, and he has literal tons of metal scrap, old appliances and vehicles. If I remember correctly, he has 17 vehicles in all. That's the bad news. The good news is that he hasn't added a lot to the mess. He's added 2 semi trailers and a refrigerator, so that in and of itself is progress. However, he hasn't gotten rid of enough, and he may lose his property, if he doesn't clean it up.

The third situation involves a woman who hoards food. And while she did not completely get her home finished when they were there, she has maintained for the most part. You can still see her floors, tabletop and counters. However, she also still has food in the refrigerator and freezer that is outdated by 6 months or more, and she insists that it's not bad. That she'll throw it out, if she's worried about it. And while I do believe that some expiration dates are included just to make people buy things more quickly, I would be afraid to eat most things that were outdated by more than 6 months or that were growing green fuzzies on them.

The last situation is the only one that seems to be a complete success story at this time. It's a young man with an alcoholic father. When Hoarders came to their house and cleaned it out, they found hundreds upon hundreds of wine bottles from the dad's drinking stash. They were empty, but he'd consumed the contents of each one. He was drunk the entire time the crew was there. The young man is now going to college and the father has stopped drinking wine entirely and seems to be getting his life together. He's still drinking a couple of beers every day, but he was clearly not drunk during this interview like he was a year before.

It was eye-opening to say the least. It's scary to think the recidivism rate is so high amongst hoarders. But I can't help but think that a lot of it has to do with how willing the person was to participate in the initial cleanup in the first place. I really do think that a person has to be willing to make the changes themselves, or they won't be successful, and even then it's going to be a daily struggle.

I know that there are days it's easier for me physically and mentally than other days. I also know that I want to be free of clutter and the hoarding mess from the very depths of my soul. Due to circumstances, it may take longer than I'd like it to take to get all the way to the goal, but I will get there.

It will happen.