Compulsive hoarding is a mental disorder that is just beginning to be understood. As a hoarder, I have acquired things over the years with a specific purpose in mind at the time of the acquisition, used some of those items for their intended purposes, forgotten the goal for different objects, but now that I find that they have outlived their purpose in my life I am struggling to rid myself of those same things.

You can read the start of my journey here.

Saturday, November 13, 2010

Hope springs eternal.

Today has been long and not as productive as I'd like.

Some days are just like that.

Hopper is stressed over my upcoming surgery. She stresses easily, and it comes out in all sorts of rough ways. Like stressing over her dad going on his run today. We really have no idea what sets her off. Sometimes it happens. Other times, she's fine with him going for his run. Today, she started having a meltdown a good 15 minutes before he left. The meltdown didn't stop for 30 minutes after he was gone.

She was upset he was gone, but she started fixating on something, and for the life of me, I couldn't figure out what she was saying. While she's verbal, she's not always intelligible, and she was definitely struggling. She also often says, 'no' when she means, 'yes', and vice versa and very often, she doesn't hear what we're saying correctly, so it can be quite the puzzle trying to figure out what she's saying. And while sometimes it can be a bit humorous, it can also be quite traumatic.

For 30 minutes, she cried and tried so hard to tell me and show me what she was asking. She kept trying to act out what she was asking. She would draw her one arm up, so her fist was by her shoulder, and the other arm was outstretched. It looked like she was trying to shoot a bow and arrow.

But she's never even seen one.

I asked her, if it had to do with Daddy's run. No. It didn't. But it resulted in more crying and exasperation.

Was it on a street driving away from here? No. And cue crying.

Was it at the store? Nope. Not there either.

Was she talking about exercises? No. That wasn't it, and the drama continued.

At one point, I joined her in the crying. It's so frustrating to not be able to help her, and it's so hard to see her go through the pain of not being understood.

I asked her repeatedly to show me where it was, if it was in the house. She said it wasn't.

Finally, I just asked her to follow me, and I pointed out some workout things my husband uses to strengthen his forearms. If he doesn't use them, he has a problem with tendonitis. So I took her to them and asked, if that was what she was talking about.

It was.


She was trying to find out, if he was going to do his exercises when he got home. He wasn't. But she has such a hard time living in the moment, because she's always looking ahead to what's going to happen or not going to happen next that she just can't relax. Today was a prime example.

After I finally figured out what it was and discerned her unintelligible jargoning, she was fine, but my neck and shoulders are still tight all these hours later. I'm just so glad she was able to go to bed with a smile on her face, and it all but forgotten.

Somehow, I was able to get 6 or 7 loads of laundry done today, even though we didn't get started on the list just yet. We'll be kicking into overdrive to work on it tomorrow. I think we'll be able to get most of it done.

I hope.

I need a bigger win.


  1. I have been a reader of your blog for quite some time now. You amaze me with the strength that you have. You are an amazing person. I have hit some rough spots in my life, dealing with depression and what not. The other day I was really down and I read your blog and it just inspires me. I can't really explain why, but I just want to say, thank you for sharing your life with readers like me.

  2. You DID have a pretty big win even though you were so exasperated and exhausted after the fact. You DID figure out what Hopper was talking about and that was a win, for her. I sure get the sore shoulders and neck after the tension and frustration though!

    Here's hoping you get some of the stuff crossed off your list today!

  3. poor darling! it must be so tough for her and you when you have these comunication difficulties .Hugs to you both

  4. "I'm just so glad she was able to go to bed with a smile on her face.."

    Sounds like a WIN to me!!

  5. Hi, Insomniac. Welcome to the Closet. :) Thank you so much for your kind words. It's so humbling to know that I inspire you, but I'm glad that there is something in what I've written that has helped. :)

    Thanks Portia and mrs.b. That's exactly what my husband said last night. I count it a win. :)

    Thank you, Fern. Some times are very tough. Thankfully, most aren't. :)

  6. Somehow your posts lately haven't been showing up on my dashboard? And I never open my google reader, anyways, what an emotional day for you!! Good job getting laundry done!


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