Ugh!

Up until a few years ago, when someone hurt my feelings, I'd get mad. When I'd screw something up, I'd get angry. I was just angry all the time. It didn't help that I have such a severe case of resting bitch face there is, because I also looked angry even when I wasn't. And I hated it when people would ask me, if I was mad. It irritated the crap out of me!

But my sister, who was always so much softer than I was, told me a few years ago that she always admired that about me. She worked in a very high stress job where showing emotions were detrimental. She said she'd have given just about anything to have the personality that I have, because it would make her life so much easier. It would be easier to be taken seriously, if she wasn't crying every time she got mad or frustrated. 

Several years later, she had relief in the form of a hysterectomy. She said she felt like she grew "a great big pair" the moment she woke up from surgery. She no longer cried at the drop of a hat, and she was able to be taken seriously by everyone. 

Fast forward to today.

I think mine shriveled up and fell off. 

There are days I can hardly make it through the day without just being weepy all day long. It's SO not like me. I'm thinking it has a lot to do with the lack of hormones that come with menopause. I feel weak and incapable, and I hate it! If something happens first thing in the morning that sets me off, it's hard to shake it for the rest of the day. I feel completely incapable of making a decision. In fact, I wrote the last post about 3 weeks ago and just barely published it last night.

It pisses me off!

Which makes me cry. 

Ugh!

It's all downhill from here.

I don't know, if it's hormones, (I am approaching *that* age), Bugster turning 25, or everything that's going on with Mom and living so far away, or all of the above, but I'm a mess. The last couple of days, I can't seem to keep from crying, and I rarely, if ever, cry. I'm the queen of emotion stuffing, remember? 


It's driving me nuts. 


It's time like this I fall into ruminating about all sorts of stuff. The thoughts range anywhere from past slights from people who proved they weren't the friends I thought they were to how I feel unloved. I really struggle with turning off the negative thoughts, and I'm exhausted from it all. Most days, I never give those people who have hurt me a second thought. And even when I am feeling unloved, I know in my heart that it's not true. I have absolutely no doubt that I am loved deeply by my family and many friends. But it's really hard to get that through my thick skull when I'm in the middle of an episode.


I get that my feelings are valid. I know I'm entitled to feel negatively about certain people either in my current or past life. But I can't handle it when the thoughts, the churning in my gut, and the tears don't stop. I hate living like this, because it's not really living.


Hoping the anxiety meds kicking in a bit and hearing how much better Mom is doing has helped a bit. It's just that when it all starts, it's like I'm trying to race down hill to catch a ball in front of me to try to get it to stop. It takes awhile to catch up to it and get it under control, and by then I'm out of breath.


Trying to catch my breath now.

Oh Fiddle-dee-dee.

I hate hormones. Really. I detest them. And now that I'm getting older, I'm feeling more like a teen again. You know that age when the hormones kick in and you have horrible mood swings, and you feel like you can't do anything right, and you go from crazy angry to crying jags that last for hours? The kinds of hormones that convince you that something that was said in jest was really said to hurt your feelings? Yeah. Those kind of hormones.

I hate that raging hormones like this make me feel like I've lost total control over my life. I hate that they make me doubt myself and hate myself. I hate that they make me cry. I rarely cry. I hate that they make me feel so vulnerable and exposed. I hate that they make me doubt others and their feelings toward me.

I cannot wait for this decade of my life to be finished. At least this part of it! The rest of it can go slowly. The hormones have my permission to high tail it out of here and NOW!

So. I'm feeling a little better today. Went to the newlyweds' house and finished putting the red gingham shelf paper in the upper cabinets. I'll do the drawers tomorrow, and they get to do the bottom cabinets. My back can't handle getting down that low. Actually, I can get down that low, but I can't guarantee getting back up again.

In the famous words of Scarlett O'Hara...

"Tomorrow is another day."