Compulsive hoarding is a mental disorder that is just beginning to be understood. As a hoarder, I have acquired things over the years with a specific purpose in mind at the time of the acquisition, used some of those items for their intended purposes, forgotten the goal for different objects, but now that I find that they have outlived their purpose in my life I am struggling to rid myself of those same things.

You can read the start of my journey here.

Thursday, July 5, 2012

Encouraged. Yet not.

It is such a relief that the Waldo Canyon Fire is now 90% contained, and they're predicting it will reach 100% tomorrow! There is still fire burning within the containment lines, but at least it shouldn't be growing and spreading anymore. We're supposed to get rain over the weekend, and I'm just praying it snuffs out the rest of what's left. The smoke that has been drifting and settling over the city has really impeded my breathing ability.

I've been so discouraged lately as a result of not being able to breathe and not being able to go outside. I've been outside twice this week. The first time I took the trash out. The cans are less than 15 feet from the front door. I was taking my rescue inhaler so often that I ended up on steroids. 

Then yesterday I went out to check the automatic timer that we bought, so I wouldn't have to go out to water the strawberries and rhubarb until the smoke had cleared. Due to a brain burp I had when programming it, I accidentally set it to water every 7 days instead of once a day and the strawberries were drooping. I reset the timer and was back in the house within 2 minutes. 

I've been sucking on my inhaler ever since.

I know that this is just a temporary thing, but it's so frustrating. When I was back home for the 6.5 weeks, I was going all the time. I had no choice but to be capable and in control of my life, and I actually enjoyed it. 

For quite some time, I've been intimidated into going out into public with the girls alone. It's time consuming, difficult, and an all day task that always seems to culminate in a backache and a neck stiffened by tension. But I had no choice when I was back home, since I was on my own for 4 of the 6.5 weeks. It was still time consuming, difficult and ended in the backaches and stiff necks from time to time, but I felt so confident in my abilities. 

I've doubted myself for long enough that I'd gotten to the point I never left the house alone with the girls for more than a quick trip to the grocery store. It's left me too dependent upon Hubster and even on Bugster from time to time. It's allowed me to ... well... to sort of give up on myself. 

When I got back home, I was riding the momentum of the personal success I'd had when I had no choice but to get things done on my own. I was ready to seize each and every day and make some progress. Get things done. Get on with my life and my new-found independence. 

Instead, I'm back to where I started before I left. My asthma is out of control. I'm dependent on Hubster and occasionally Bugster to do things away from home that I can't do due to the smoke in the air, and it's driving me nuts. My asthma is even bad enough right now that I'm not accomplishing jack in the house. It's an absolute mess, and I'm horribly saddened and embarrassed by it. 

I hate this. 

I'm hoping that with the rains that come in this weekend clear the air of smoke and the steroids that I'm taking kick in full force so I can I get back on track. 

I need to get out of this funk.


  1. Everything will calm down soon! When the smoke clears, literally, remember how it felt to be empowered when you were back home! It'll happen!

    1. Thank you, Portia. I know it will. It's just hard to see that right now. Thankfully, this doesn't happen very often, but it drives me absolutely nuts when it does. Thanks again for your encouragement. :)

  2. glad the fire is going to be almost a thing of the past and hopefully the smoke will start to clear so you can get a bit of control on your asthma and be able to do things again. In the meantime, as you know, take care of it and yourself and try not to worry if this or that can't be done while you are waiting for fresher air.


    1. Thank you, Betty. The rains came today. The fire is 98% contained right now. They're hoping to reach 100% tomorrow, and rain is in the forecast. We may try to venture out this weekend as a family. It will be the first we've gone anywhere as a family since we got home on June 10 and only the 3rd time I've left the driveway. I'm looking forward to it. I'm hoping it cleanses my spirit a bit.

      Thanks again. :)


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