Compulsive hoarding is a mental disorder that is just beginning to be understood. As a hoarder, I have acquired things over the years with a specific purpose in mind at the time of the acquisition, used some of those items for their intended purposes, forgotten the goal for different objects, but now that I find that they have outlived their purpose in my life I am struggling to rid myself of those same things.

You can read the start of my journey here.

Friday, July 27, 2012

Throw me a line.

There are times I hate my brain and the way it seems to short circuit. I get tired of the fight, and I just want it to stop. 

I get tired of hating me.

No. I'm not suicidal. I'm not homicidal, either, (although it's still probably not a good idea to poke the bear right now). I am just struggling. A lot. And it is at times like this that I can understand why some people turn to drugs, alcohol and food to drown out the unwanted thoughts.

I know that this is a temporary thing, but I am ready for it to ease up already. I'm tired and losing the will to fight. Losing all motivation. And that person is not who I consider myself to be, nor whom I want to be. 

I find myself withdrawing from life, and I need to find a way back.


  1. I understand this; I've been feeling like this for a good portion of the last 18 months. What I have learned is try not to withdraw, but get yourself back in life even if it is making yourself go out and do something


    1. Hi Betty,

      I've struggled a lot over the last 18 months or so, myself. I think it's probably due to the stress of the last couple of years, but I've had patches of 'it' for as long as I can remember. Good advice. Easier said than done, but good nonetheless. :)


  2. It is depression talking. It may be best to withdraw for a little bit so you can rest and regroup your thoughts. Just breathe.

    1. Thanks, Middle.

      This is exactly what I've done, and I'm slowly but surely emerging from the abyss. I just have to keep climbing and not look back.


  3. Your post reminded me to take my medication this morning. I have lots of little reminders to do so, and some of them include feeling shitty like you're feeling.
    I'm sorry you're not doing well in your head right now, but don't be afraid to take steps to help with that.

    You have a lot going on, most people wouldn't expect to get through it without some help of some sort.

    1. Glad you remembered your meds, Ami.

      Thanks for your support. Seriously. Thank you.

  4. Ups and downs are... well, we all have them. But when the downs outnumber the ups, well then you need to talk to someone.


  5. Not sure what to say but that I have felt the same way and hope it passes soon .

  6. Did you just walk into my head and find a way to express my state of being? cause really. I may have to plagiarize this to my blog.
    My husband keeps telling me he's worried about me, and I tell him I'm worried about me too, but not in a I'm going to kill myself way. He's been through me trying that though so I know he doesn't understand that while I'm withdrawn and vacant and struggling, I'm not going to slit my wrists or try to O.D. again.

    If you find a way to get out of the self hate and despair that your thoughts/routine will ever change, share the secret with me please. So far my only brief relief is copious amounts of caffeine in one shot, and that only helps for a few hours and maybe every other week.

    1. Hi Abigail,

      I'm sorry it's taken longer to get back with your comment. I was working on responses the other night when we got a thunderstorm and lightening and such, and I shut the computer down and haven't been back to my blog since then.

      I SO wish I knew what the answer is! I wish caffeine still helped me instead of hurting. (It causes the neuropathy to flare, and I either can't fall asleep from the pain, or it wakes me from a dead sleep). I wish I could always wake up with a forgiving attitude toward myself, but it doesn't happen. I find my best days to be those in which I can be gentle with myself and remember that I am not and will not ever be perfect. I must try to be more aware and consciously choose to stop beating myself up on those dark days.

      Hang in there, Abigail. And know you're not alone. :::Hugs:::

  7. I can't really add anything that your other commenters haven't already said. I know how you feel, we just have to hang in until the next upswing comes along.

  8. Judy,
    I think you are amazing. With everything you've gone through, just in the last few years, you have accomplished so much. You are very loved by your family. And you are so loving and nurturing to them. You've made a difference in so many people's lives by sharing your struggle. You and your family are in my prayers. Be blessed dear.

  9. Anonymous,

    Thank you for your kind words. I can't tell you how much I appreciate them and your prayers!


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