Throw me a line.

There are times I hate my brain and the way it seems to short circuit. I get tired of the fight, and I just want it to stop. 


I get tired of hating me.


No. I'm not suicidal. I'm not homicidal, either, (although it's still probably not a good idea to poke the bear right now). I am just struggling. A lot. And it is at times like this that I can understand why some people turn to drugs, alcohol and food to drown out the unwanted thoughts.


I know that this is a temporary thing, but I am ready for it to ease up already. I'm tired and losing the will to fight. Losing all motivation. And that person is not who I consider myself to be, nor whom I want to be. 


I find myself withdrawing from life, and I need to find a way back.

Fun! Fun! Fun!

What's more fun than waking up soaked from the wonderful hot flashes that hit when you're dead asleep? Waking up soaked from night sweats, mouth watering, wondering if you'll actually make it to the bucket in time and then trying to carefully arrange the pillows to prop yourself up on an incline while trying not to wake your bed buddy, of course.


I'm feeling better today than I did yesterday, but I do have to admit I'm ready to stop having so much fun. 


I'm slowly getting back into the swing of things and have gotten several loads of laundry done in the last few days, but it will take several more before I'm caught up. And being caught up with laundry lasts, what?, maybe 10 minutes? Still, I'll be glad to be done with the extra laundry from our trip and the winter clothes that I had started to work on before we left for Mom's.  It would be nice to actually have them put away in storage for awhile before we have to get them out due to the cold again.


I had a small victory the last couple of days. Back when we bought the girls the cubbies for their bedrooms to use instead of dressers, we got got a couple of units to install in the cubbies, so they'd have doors on them. They were really pricey, or we'd have gotten more of them. In fact, they were expensive enough that I contemplated returning them. 


Alas, they've sat in the boxes for months-long enough that I likely wouldn't be able to return them anyway. So I got past my intimidation, put Scooter's together and installed them yesterday. She loves them-especially the fact that one is a mirror, and my only regret is that I waited so long to get it done. I'll work on Hopper's tomorrow, and hopefully, she'll be as happy with hers and Scooter is. I know I'll be happy to have the extra space.


Know what I'd be really happy to have? A nice cool pillow to help me get rid of this headache that has crept up in the last hour. The glare from the screen isn't helping at all. I think it's time for me to bring this one to a close.


Until next time. . .

Encouraged. Yet not.

It is such a relief that the Waldo Canyon Fire is now 90% contained, and they're predicting it will reach 100% tomorrow! There is still fire burning within the containment lines, but at least it shouldn't be growing and spreading anymore. We're supposed to get rain over the weekend, and I'm just praying it snuffs out the rest of what's left. The smoke that has been drifting and settling over the city has really impeded my breathing ability.

I've been so discouraged lately as a result of not being able to breathe and not being able to go outside. I've been outside twice this week. The first time I took the trash out. The cans are less than 15 feet from the front door. I was taking my rescue inhaler so often that I ended up on steroids. 

Then yesterday I went out to check the automatic timer that we bought, so I wouldn't have to go out to water the strawberries and rhubarb until the smoke had cleared. Due to a brain burp I had when programming it, I accidentally set it to water every 7 days instead of once a day and the strawberries were drooping. I reset the timer and was back in the house within 2 minutes. 

I've been sucking on my inhaler ever since.

I know that this is just a temporary thing, but it's so frustrating. When I was back home for the 6.5 weeks, I was going all the time. I had no choice but to be capable and in control of my life, and I actually enjoyed it. 


For quite some time, I've been intimidated into going out into public with the girls alone. It's time consuming, difficult, and an all day task that always seems to culminate in a backache and a neck stiffened by tension. But I had no choice when I was back home, since I was on my own for 4 of the 6.5 weeks. It was still time consuming, difficult and ended in the backaches and stiff necks from time to time, but I felt so confident in my abilities. 


I've doubted myself for long enough that I'd gotten to the point I never left the house alone with the girls for more than a quick trip to the grocery store. It's left me too dependent upon Hubster and even on Bugster from time to time. It's allowed me to ... well... to sort of give up on myself. 


When I got back home, I was riding the momentum of the personal success I'd had when I had no choice but to get things done on my own. I was ready to seize each and every day and make some progress. Get things done. Get on with my life and my new-found independence. 


Instead, I'm back to where I started before I left. My asthma is out of control. I'm dependent on Hubster and occasionally Bugster to do things away from home that I can't do due to the smoke in the air, and it's driving me nuts. My asthma is even bad enough right now that I'm not accomplishing jack in the house. It's an absolute mess, and I'm horribly saddened and embarrassed by it. 


I hate this. 


I'm hoping that with the rains that come in this weekend clear the air of smoke and the steroids that I'm taking kick in full force so I can I get back on track. 


I need to get out of this funk.