Compulsive hoarding is a mental disorder that is just beginning to be understood. As a hoarder, I have acquired things over the years with a specific purpose in mind at the time of the acquisition, used some of those items for their intended purposes, forgotten the goal for different objects, but now that I find that they have outlived their purpose in my life I am struggling to rid myself of those same things.

You can read the start of my journey here.

Saturday, September 10, 2011

My get up and go got up and went.

I've been a bit discouraged lately. I've fallen out of some of the good habits that I worked so hard to establish. It's not that I'm actively acquiring things and adding to the hoard that lives in my house, but I've noticed my thought process isn't working nearly as well as it has at the height of my dehoarding. And while I realize my oomph and will for reaching my goal will ebb and flow on a daily basis, I have to admit that I'm tired of the ebb. It's lasted too long.

When we got the word that Hopper had broken her leg and would need the emergency surgery back in June, I started to stumble. That stumble turned into a free fall the moment I thought she had died in my arms and continued through the hospitalization and rehabilitation once we got home. When Hopper seemed to be getting back to her old self about 6.5 weeks after she broke her leg, the speed on the free fall slowed quite a bit, but I was still in a descent. 

A few ago I realized why I was feeling so out of control. With everything going on this summer with Hopper's leg, Bugster and Bubster's wedding, and the situation at school for Scooter I had completely forgotten about taking my meds. It explains why I've had such a hard time getting back in the groove of things, and why I can't seem to think straight.

I've noticed lately that I'm struggling with making decisions about getting rid of things. I've been second guessing myself, and as a result, I've put off dehoarding and even writing in my blog I've been so discouraged. I've felt almost paralyzed as a result of my indecisiveness, and it's driving me crazy. I want to get things done like I did at the height of my dehoarding. I want to get this stuff out of my house.

I started back on my meds a few days ago, and I will be diligent about taking them daily from now on. I can't afford to be paralyzed mentally like I've been. I feel like I'm trying to make it through quicksand. Like I'm being crushed to death by the weight of the pressure. Hyperventilating. Unable to draw a breath into my lungs. 

So yeah. I won't be forgetting my meds again anytime soon. 

I'm slowly but surely finding my way out of the dark. 

I made my way back into the study the last couple of days. I sorted through 3 more rather difficult boxes, with at least 95% of the stuff going into the shredables, the trash or into a 'get rid of' box. 

I do have to admit that I was excited to find some things I saved over the years as a reminder of just how far the girls have come. I found Scooter's feeding tube and feeding button she had to have when she was little, along with Hopper's ear pieces from the hearing aides she wore when she was much younger. (We donated the actual hearing aides years ago). In another bag, I found the images from when Hopper had her heart repaired as well as the spare coil they didn't have to use. I joked around that we needed to keep it, in case she needed an oil change. 

Mom didn't laugh, but I thought it was funny. 

And as odd as it seems to keep these particular things, I don't know, if I'll ever be ready to throw them out. They represent some major milestones in the girls' lives, and they're a physical reminder of just how much we've been through as a family. I want to make them into tasteful Christmas ornaments for our tree.  

Don't look at me like that.

It can be done!

Hubster took 9 more bags of shredables out the door yesterday, so that makes 72 grocery bags of preshredded documents to have left the house since I started this journey 18 months ago. I updated my sidebar to help me remind me of just how much I have accomplished. It just helps to see that sometimes.

I did use the portable document scanner the other night that Hubster got me for my birthday this summer. I can't explain how truly wonderful it was to scan some of the paperwork and then put it directly in the box to shred. I felt like I could breathe just a little bit deeper with each document that found it's way into the shredables.

I like breathing. 

I think I'll try to do it a little more often.


  1. You amaze me with all you have going on in your life. I DO know about medicines that keep your "brain" in check. The same thing would happen to me if I quit taking them.

    The drive you have to de-hoard is just simply amazing. Your blog has really made me think about what I really need and what I don't need.

    Thank you for your candidness and honesty. It truly has helped me.

    Have a good day.

  2. I know you'll never believe this, but I too have felt a bit stagnant lately. :)

    In an effort to kick this, I worked on the boys room all day today. Like all day. From 730 am to 4pm. (Behold the power of Diet Coke) When I finally sat down, I couldn't move.

    Anyways... as I was working on their floor, everything had to be moved. The boys came down and decided to go through their toys to "purge". I was thinking about you when I saw Youngest's face when he was trying to decide weather to keep things or not. I finally asked him what he was thinking about when he was holding the toy, and he processed through it. I was so proud of him.

    You too should be proud. You have come so far. You'll get back on the train soon, for now... stop beating yourself up. :)

  3. Breathing is good, so is taking care of you . ALl that you have going on, I know it can be hard to make you a priority , but you do need to.

  4. Oh Judy, you have come such a long way and I'm so very proud of you. You never cease to amaze me with all of the other obligations that you have in your life that you would even have the energy to THINK about dehoarding. I am in awe.

    Hope you got my last rambling email. It probably put you to sleep it was so long. LOL Holler back sometimes if you get thet time and inclination. I love the way you write and love hearing from you. I only wish I lived closer so I could get together with you and we could encourage each other along. Hugs and pats from Texas!

  5. Oh, how we've all missed you! You amaze me and I'm glad you can breath again!

  6. Oh..... HOW I CAN RELATE!
    You are not ALONE and never will be.
    You are the bravest person I have met online. (((hugs)))

  7. I know that "get up and go got up and went" feeling all too well. I've definitely hit a bit of a schlump which is why I put my goals up on the blog, just so I can not only keep myself accountable, but also to track my progress and be able to say to myself: "Hey, I've actually accomplished a lot!"

    You can totally get yourself back into the groove, and I truly applaud your determination and your drive to succeed in this. Just keep taking it one step at a time.

    Also? I love your idea of making Christmas tree ornaments out of the girls' old medical supplies - a neat way to celebrate how far your family has come. I say go for it!! :-)

  8. Ugh, I know the feeling. Proud of you for getting your get up and go moving again. TAKE. YOUR. MEDICATION. Ami Mental ripped me a new one for not taking mine. I get sudden withdrawls on day 3 of not remembering. Glad you are back to blogging!


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