Remember when...

I'm not a skinny girl. I never have been. I haven't always been fat, either, but I've never been skinny.

When I was a kid, we had our weight and height checked once or twice a year at school. At the time, we'd also have to bare our backs wait while the nurse checked us for curvature of the spine. It was just more fun than a kid should be allowed to have. By the time we hit the 6th grade they added in questions about our menstrual cycles. I dreaded this time every year.

 We'd line up in the gymnasium/cafeteria/all purpose room, and step on a scale while our weight was announced aloud by the nurse while the other adult in the room recorded it. They'd also check our height and ask us whether or not we had started our periods. The questions were embarrassing enough on their own, but then we'd have to take our shirts off and bend over and hold onto our ankles, so they could check our backs. 

It didn't matter that there were screens set up for privacy, because there were always areas where the other students could peek in and see you in this most undignified position. I mean, it's not like we could actually hold our shirts over our developing bodies and hold onto our ankles at the same time. It was mortifying. 

There was so much about all of it that was humiliating, but the worst of it happened my 6th grade year, when the nurse announced my weight. The thing is, I didn't have an ounce of fat on my body, but that didn't seem to matter a bit when everyone in the gymnasium found out that I was the first child in 6th grade to reach 100 pounds. I was instantly labeled fat by the other kids.

It didn't matter that I wasn't. In fact, I didn't get fat until after I hurt my back at age 19, started having babies a couple years later, and then had the misfortune of bad health that resulted in a broken thyroid and asthma that required dose upon dose of steroids. But in the the world of cruelty that is adolescence my fate was sealed.

It didn't help that my friends were tiny in comparison. In fact my best friends in high school didn't even break 100, so I weighed more in 6th grade than they did 6 years later. The thing is, I was a healthy weight. When I look back at pictures, I wonder why in the world I felt so fat. I know a lot of it stems from the gasps of the other classmates at my weight when I was 11 and the gossip that ensued. My weight was the topic of much ugliness over the years, and I've never quite known how to get past it.

Oh! To be able to talk to that girl I was and let her know that I was perfectly healthy. To get through to her that the girl that called me, "Thunder Thighs" was trying to get past the hurt of finding out that her mom had cheated on her dad. That the boy who sneered and called me, "Lard Ass" was acting out, because he was being beaten by his dad. That the girl who called me a "fat ugly bitch" was trying to cover that she was being molested by her uncle. 

I would like to think it would have changed the way I saw myself and the way I saw others, as well. I was a compassionate kid. I could have seen through their behavior to their hurt. Instead, I've carried it around for well over 30 years and still haven't gotten over it. Then again, it didn't help that some of those same kids acted the same way at my 20th high school reunion. 

It's really a shame that their lives are still filled with such cruelty towards others, and it's an even bigger shame that I still haven't gotten over the sting of their words. They're probably still hurting. And maybe I could have made a difference, if I didn't feel the need to put up my defenses and shield myself from their barbs.

Maybe someday. 

 

I wonder how much overwhelmed weighs.

So I've been busy not being busy. Well. Sort of. I've been busy selling some stuff on eBay for a little lady who just lost her house to foreclosure. She needs the money, and frankly, so do I, and I am not doing this for free. Still, it's taken quite a bit of my time, and I've found I've neglected other things that I really should be working on. 

It wouldn't be so difficult, if I hadn't had to relearn how to sell on eBay. I've been away for long enough that almost everything had changed. I'm tempted to open up an eBay store, because I could list up to 2500 items per month for free, where now I can only list 50 for free. It costs about $15 a month for the store, but where listing fees start at 30 cents a pop after the first 50 being free, it would only take 50 listings to get my money back. It makes sense financially, and if I could just get them all listed at the same time, instead of having to wait for days where they have offers for free listings, it could save me a lot of time. I'll probably kick it around for a couple more days and then end up opening a store. :::shrug::: It will either happen, or it won't.

I've been dealing with back spasms in my lower back the last couple of weeks, so that's been fun. Even though it's been on the verge of spasming again today, I threw caution to the wind and worked outside a bit. I need a lot of bits to get anything accomplished, though. The front yard is a disaster after having it dug up for the sewer line replacement back in February. The backyard is a disaster full of downed trees that need cut, split, and stacked, so we can sell it this fall to someone who has a fireplace. Either that, or we need to just get someone back there who will do it for the free firewood.  Then the garden dreams I dream each night have to find their way into the plans, too. 

I'm trying not to get too overwhelmed. We have a ton to do, but we've also gotten a ton done. Let me rephrase that...we have at least a couple dozen tons to do, but we've gotten a ton done. I just have to remember that the ton we've already finished was finished one pound at a time. 

Off to go do a few ounces worth of work and trying not to calculate how many ounces there are in a ton. 

Springtime in the Rockies

It's that time of year again. You know, the time when you have record temp lows and snow every Tuesday of April? Yep. That time.

Went out to the backyard with Bugster, so she could grab a planter to plant her mint in, and I couldn't believe the job the wind did on the backyard. I know a lot of it is just as we left it last Fall, but there is definitely a bit of a mess from the wind, too. 

It was a bit overwhelming to see the amount of work we're going to have to do to get the backyard back in order. The apple tree is still only partially down with the limbs reaching across half of the backyard. We'll be cutting it into smaller pieces and possibly splitting it for people to use in their smokers. We also have a couple of ash trees we had to cut down a couple of years ago that we have to finish up. Hopefully, if we get it cut and split, we can sell it as firewood or use it to barter for services and get some help on the yard.

As much as I'm overwhelmed with the backyard, I'm dying to get my hands dirty and work out there! I always feel so much better working outside and getting the fresh air. We're getting an old pickup truck soon, because we have needed one for years. We're getting a good price on it and buying it from a reliable mechanic, so we should get several years out of it, and we'll put it to use on the backyard first.

Well, that, and getting some pallets for gardening. We have an area that always seems to end up overflowing with weeds at the side of the house. It borders the fence between our house and the neighbors', and it will be perfect for pallet gardening. It's about 25'x3', and it will be home to all sorts of lettuce, spinach, peas and assorted herbs, as well as a pumpkin or two that will be allowed to travel the fence and make its way down the edge of the driveway. It may not happen this year, but eventually, I would love to grow enough pumpkins that the kids in the girls' day program can come out and each year and pick one. 

 And although it would be pretty growing in a pallet garden, I don't think I'll be growing any mint this year. Bugster brought some over last night that she got to plant in her own garden, and I made the mistake of smelling it. In fact, I smelled the peppermint and spearmint along with the other two varieties she bought. It brought on a lovely asthma attack, and it reminded me that I need to be careful of certain things. So when I want some mint-infused water this summer, I'll have to borrow some of Bugster's mint. Not that she'll want it back. I'll offer to return it, anyway. 

I'm thinking a pallet garden is the way to go to make the meddling neighbor happy, too. We put up a privacy panel with lattice at the top at the side of our house shortly after we moved in. It was a little on the narrow side for the space, so we took more lattice and attached it to our panel and the neighbor's fence post. Unfortunately, the lattice started coming down, and between the wind and a little extra help from our neighbor, there's nothing there now. It doesn't look very good at all. If we get her consent, we'll go ahead and put up a small pallet, attaching it to her fence on one side and to our panel on the other, add some flowers or ivy, and I'm hoping she'll be happy with it. It would definitely be an improvement over what is going on out there right now.

I think I need to start making some lists with all the big things we have to get done around here, so I don't feel so overwhelmed. It's funny how just writing it down makes things less stressful. 

I'm sensing a theme here...