Self-preservation.

My entire life I've dealt with varying degrees of depression.


In high school, I survived a suicide attempt. 


After Bugster was born, I dealt with postpartum depression. I began feeling suicidal and started having horrible thoughts about hurting our baby. It scared me to death. I got help and worked through things until I was out of trouble, but it's something of which I've always been acutely aware, because I never, ever want to get to that point again.


A few years ago, I found out that I had a severe Vitamin D deficiency. Since I started supplementing with Vitamin D, I've found I don't go as deeply into the depths as I have in the past, and I'm so very grateful for that. The antidepressant I've been on for several years has helped as well, but the Vitamin D definitely had more of a positive affect on me than it did.


I know that depression will always be a part of who I am, and I know that there are certain situations, and unfortunately, certain people I must avoid to keep my head above water. I struggle with having to limit my friendships with certain people, because I do know that everyone needs a friend, but I also know that I can't always be it. It quite literally is for my own self-preservation.


When I was dealing with the postpartum, I had a friend who lived across the street from us. She and her husband were having marital problems, and she constantly harped about how horrible he was. I don't recall her saying more than a handful of positive things about him or their relationship. Granted, neither my husband nor I had a really high opinion of him, but that wasn't the issue. The issue was that the more I was around her the more I found myself finding things wrong with my own husband. Things that I used to just take for normal quirks and differences soon became arguing point.


I was shocked when I realized how contagious negativity was for me and how I had allowed myself to be drawn in. I slowly started to distance myself from her, because I didn't want our friendship to interfere in my marriage. Thankfully, we moved away less than a year later, but before we had a chance to get out of there, my 'friend'  cheated on her husband and ran off with another guy.


I felt like I had betrayed my husband's trust by talking with her, by venting to her about every little thing about my husband that annoyed me, and it devastated me knowing I played an active part in it. I know the postpartum played a role in all of it, but it was still no excuse. I allowed myself to be drawn into her train wreck, and our marriage could have easily become a casualty. 


Don't get me wrong. I know that not all marriages are good marriages. And sometimes, people need to vent. To confide that things aren't going so well, because they're scared, and they need advice, and they want reassurance. I get that. But there's a huge difference between an occasional venting and someone being negative about their spouse with almost every word they speak. 


I knew then that the only way our marriage would work would be for me to stay away from people who were willing to regularly trash their spouses. It makes my heart heavy, and I want to help, but I can't. My husband and our marriage means the world to me, and I just can't go there. And to be blunt, Hubster is much more important to me than their problems and even than the friendship in which I may have an investment. 


I made that mistake once, and I'm never going to allow it to happen again. My husband and our marriage is always going to come first. Because we really are that good together, and because he means the world to me.


Because we are worth it.


It's all a matter of self-preservation.

Freeze frame.

Talked with my doctor tonight about my frustrations with the form letter I received basically congratulating me on a normal mammogram yet knowing she got a different letter saying that they couldn't rule out cancer. She seemed a bit surprised that I got a form letter and nothing addressing the findings. She read me the letter she got.

From what they could tell, it appears as though it's likely just a lipoma or fatty cyst/tissue. However, since the mammogram/ultra sound cannot rule out cancer 100%, the American Cancer Society recommends that the patient be seen by a specialist to rule anything out. That's why my doctor had already decided to send me to a specialist even before the official results were in her office. I'm very thankful she's my doctor and that I have someone I can trust to do what's best for me and who's willing to talk to me about things.

I have honestly been in a great frame of mind since my rant. Just getting it off my chest seemed to help. I'm in an even better frame of mind since talking with my doctor. I'll still be addressing the form letter I received. I just need to think about what I'm going to say, so it will hopefully be given honest consideration instead of being dismissed.

I don't like being dismissed, but that's another post. :)

My rant for the day. I'll try not to make it a habit. :)

I refuse to even think about it until Monday. Ok. So I'll probably be thinking about it on Sunday night, but I refuse to let the upcoming doctor's appointment rule my thoughts and my life. But I am a bit irritated.

I didn't read yesterday's mail until this morning. There was a letter from the imaging company who did the mammogram congratulating me on a 'normal' mammogram. It said nothing at all about the ultrasound. It did have the disclaimer that my doctor may still request extra testing or an examination by a breast specialist even with a normal mammogram.

That isn't the irritating part. I get that. I really do. But what irritates me is that they sent me something that said that my mammogram was totally NORMAL, but they sent totally different information to my doctor that said that a malignant neoplasm could not be ruled out. I don't equate that with 'normal' findings.

After I wrote my blog yesterday and spoke with an online friend who is a breast cancer survivor, I felt much better. Not quite afraid of what was under the bed. I feel much better knowing that I'll be getting answers soon - one way or the other. I'll be able to deal with whatever those answers end up being. Worrying won't change the results one way or the other, so I'm not going to stress over it.

The thing that really irritates me about this letter is it's irresponsibility. I'm sure that the vast majority of cases like mine end up being nothing. Just a temporary glitch in one's body. But what about those cases in the minority? Those cases where the patient gets the finding of a normal mammogram and don't follow up with their doctors. Those cases where the doctors go on vacation, and they don't read the report before they leave. Those cases where there actually is cancer, and it isn't caught, because some imaging company sent out findings of a normal mammogram.

How hard is it to just be honest in the letter? "Your mammogram *appeared* normal, but given the circumstances, the test could not rule out cancer. Please follow up with your doctor for further testing"? Which I guess in some ways is what the letter said, but it said it in such vague terms. They should do patients a favor and not sugar coat things.

They shouldn't open the letter with, "We are pleased to inform you that the results of your recent mammography examination are NORMAL", if they're sending a letter to your doctor saying that they can't rule out cancer.

What a bunch of hogwash!

Rant finished.