BFHF!

I haven't been purposely staying away from the computer, but I just haven't been online much lately. I find that I've been staying busy with family, doctors' appointments, tomatoes, apples, and dehoarding. You know. Life.

When I finally slow down and come to a stop for the day, I fall into a deep, deep sleep. It's rare that I have enough mental energy at the end of each day to check email let alone write a blog post, and I've been okay with that. I honestly feel the best I've felt in months. Maybe even years. 

I've been making progress with dehoarding here and there. I've even tackled some jobs I've been putting off for years...

Several years ago, there was a local company that went out of business that manufactured craft paints. They donated the leftover paints to the thrift stores, and we happened upon them. The price couldn't be beat. They were bagged 6 bottles for just under $1, but they were half price the day we were in the store. So we got some to resell.

We bought several cases of 48 bottles each. I packaged up sets in pretty gift baskets, selling the sets for the price of $2 per bottle of paint in the basket. It was a fun little hobby while it lasted, and it helped out financially at the same time. The problem was that I ended up having a few cases of paints left even after I got to the point of giving several sets of paints away. 

In the meantime, I never had an official place to store the ones I wanted to keep, and several of the bottles had started to dry up. I didn't want to just throw all of them in the trash, because a few were dry, but I could never seem to find the time to start the daunting task of sorting through them-until the last few days, that is. 

I finally knuckled down and dealt with them. I tried to deal with them a couple of years ago, but I was conflicted about throwing out 'brand-new-never-opened' paints just, because they were dried out. I know. I doesn't make sense. Then again, hoarding is like that. Sometimes, it just doesn't make sense. 

I felt like I was somehow responsible for finding a good home for each and every bottle of paint. Including the dead ones. I knew that hot water thins some paints, and turpentine or paint thinner has been used to thin other paints, and I felt like it was my job to figure out what would thin this paint and bring it back to life once again. So I shelved the whole thing and let it weigh me down for the last couple of years while I tried to figure out what to do.

It happens that the craft cupboard that I want to store the paints in permanently is in my line of vision from the treadmill. So for the last 3 weeks, I have thought of the paints every single time I've been on the treadmill walking. And I finally took the time to tackle the colorful beast.

While trying to figure out what to do with the ones that had started to dry out, I realized that all of these were permanent paints. Once they were dried out, no amount of paint thinner, water or turpentine would resuscitate them, and I need not feel guilty throwing them away. 

Huh. Imagine that.

I had to check each bottle of paint to see, if the paint in it had dried out. A lot of them had a dry plug of paint in the top, but many were fine, so I pulled the plugs on the ones that needed it, trashed the dried ones and set the good ones aside to sort. I pulled out 1 bottle of each color to set aside for Bugster, Hopper, Scooter, Mom, my sister, and myself-roughly a dozen for each of us. I also set aside 3 dozen bottles for Scooter's classroom to use and sent the rest of them, (probably 11 or 12 dozen), to the day program the girls attend. 

I will get my sister's and Mom's paint sent to them this week, and Hopper will pick hers up in the next few days. In the meantime, the drawer which I had set aside to store paints is neatly organized and ready to use. It will be so nice to know whether or not I have a certain color for a project, so I don't go out and buy duplicates of colors I already have. 

It will be so nice to have this monkey off my back once and for all...

...even though I had to pry the thing off one big fat hairy finger at a time.

How do I know, if I'm a hoarder? Pt 1 - Acquiring

Over the last couple of years, I've noticed 2 recurring searches that bring people to my blog. The first is something along the line of, "How do I know, if I'm a hoarder?" The second is variations along the line of, "Where do I start/How do I start to dehoard?"

I will try over the next few days to answer these questions to the best of my ability.

In my opinion, if a person is searching about information on whether or not they are a hoarder, the chance is they have a problem. It's only a matter of degree. 

I realized that I had a hoarding problem after watching Hoarders the very first time. I physically felt the anxiety the participants in the show felt when someone would try to help them discard things. Whether it was someone demanding that something be thrown, a family member chiding or ridiculing them for saving something, or touching their things, I felt their anxiety. I could feel my heart rate noticeably increase, my palms begin to get sweaty, and my stomach start to flip. It scared me, because I saw myself in the people on the screen. 

I was taught to trust my gut, and I knew. 

I. just. knew.

Several years prior, I recognized I had a major problem with acquiring. I loved shopping, and if I found something that I thought was  good buy, I would buy every item like it on the shelf when 1 or 2 would have been enough. 

I was obsessed with bargains. 

If for some reason I didn't buy an item I'd thought about buying when I was out and about, I wouldn't be able to get it out of my mind. Seriously. The thought that I had to have it would wake me out of a dead sleep, and I would go on the hunt for it the following day. If I was too late and the thing was gone, I'd feel like I'd lost something. The feeling of loss was very unsettling. 

If I was able to actually buy the item when I went back to the store, I would be elated. Giddy, even. But it didn't last long. I would often be disappointed within a day or two of bringing my purchases home. At times I would come to my senses and return my purchases, but more often than not something would prevent me from returning things to the store. 

I didn't enjoy using those things that I knew I shouldn't have bought. If I bought 6 of the exact t-shirt in different colors for the girls I would feel guilty about it when I would get them dressed. Even if the clothes were as little as $1 each, I would feel guilty over having bought as many as I did, because I knew they could never wear them often enough to wear them out. 

I hated myself for being so weak.

I noticed on the hoarding shows that most of the homes had bag up on bag upon bag of purchases that had been dropped when they were brought in the house and totally forgotten. I recognized that was part of the hoarding behavior, and I recognized that I had struggled with that very issue for years. 

From time to time I find myself slipping into the same mindset I had when I was acquiring. When I notice that I'm debating buying more of something than I need or we can use, I purposely stop and ask myself, if I really want or need the things in my shopping basket. Thankfully, I don't find myself in the position often, and 99 times out of 100 I put the items back on the shelf. 

Years ago when the acquiring was so out of control, I went shopping several times a week. Now it's rare, if I go shopping more often than once every 2 weeks. I have noticed that the longer the time between shopping trips the harder time I have saying no at the register. Being mindful of this, I often window shop online to exercise my 'no' muscle and keep it strong. I put things in my online shopping cart and then never go through the checkout process.

I don't want to go back to unhealthy habits again. 

Reality slapped me in the face. Hard.

When I wrote about the rubbing alcohol the other day, I was haunted with memories of my former compulsive shopping self.

I can't describe the amount of stress I was in when our youngest was in the hospital over and over and over again when she was little. The stress level was only marginally better when she wasn't in the hospital, because the responsibility fell to me to do everything the nurses had done for her there. Including waking up from a dead sleep night after night for breathing treatments and laundry. I turned to Target for therapy.

I knew the layout of my favorite store quite well, and I only shopped the clearance endcaps. In many ways, it was my saving grace. I never paid more than $5 for brand new shoes for the girls. I never paid more than $10 for my own. I got brand new clothes for the girls at prices cheaper than the thrift stores, and they weren't worn, torn or stained.

I even bought NFL clothing like 'the coat' at the end of the season and sold them on eBay the following year for a nice little profit. I typically only bought items that were marked at least 75% off or more. If it was something the one of the girls really needed, I would go as high as 50% off, but that wasn't how I usually rolled. I think, if I'd pinched my pennies much harder they'd have bled. I'm a bargain shopper extraordinaire for sure.

Being such a gifted shopper can lead to big problems, though. I would often buy too many of one item, because at 90% off, 1 might be good, but surely 10 would be better. Right? I mean, do the math! I'd be getting 10 things for the price of one! How bad can it be to get 9 items free for every 1 item that you buy? Sounds good in theory. Not so good for someone who has hoarding issues.

I remember getting disappearing ink to put in a squirt gun for the neighborhood kids to use when our oldest was playing with them. I remember I paid a dime a piece for them, but the problem is that I think I still have them! Not all of them. Some were used. But after I brought them home and thought about it, I was concerned over the ink possibly staining the neighbor kids' clothes. I knew how expensive clothes could be, so I couldn't bring myself to pass them all out. Of course I lost the receipt, so I couldn't take them back, but I also have never given them away. They are currently tucked away with the belongings that had been in the basement when it flooded.

The clearance items that seemed to tug at me the most were things that would be fun for the kids. Things that would lighten the stress of having a very ill little girl. Things like St. Patrick's Day pinatas, board games to play with the kids, craft items I envisioned doing with the girls. All things that seemed like they'd be so much fun to do, but I never got around to doing them. I just had so much going on, but I somehow couldn't seem to let go of the dreams of having these happy moments together.

About 12 years ago, I woke up one day and realized that I had a problem with shopping. Seriously. It was that abrupt. I realized I was spending money on stuff that wasn't being used, and it was such a waste. I made a concentrated effort to stop. The tug is still there. The idea of spending fun time with the girls doing projects or playing games still nags at me when I see a great price on a toy or craft project.

When we unload the boxes upon boxes of games from the storage pod on our driveway, I will pare down the games to ones I feel the girls will have an interest in or will be realistically able to play. I'll be getting rid of a lot of them. It will be difficult. The craft items will be even harder to purge.

A part of me will be letting go of a dream.