Maintaining. My grip on reality.

Ha. 


Like I've had any real grip on reality lately. 


My anxiety meds had to be upped, because my stomach decided to do the roller coaster thing and not turn off once again. I've had to take the faster acting anxiety meds more frequently than I would like, so I'm hoping the full effect of the higher dose kicks in soon. I hate feeling like this.


I recognized one of the major factors to my anxiety the other day that, for whatever reason, I couldn't see before. Adding to the stresses of the guardianship situation, is the big unknown that begins in January. 


Since Hopper is 21, she is aging out of the school system, and she graduates next week. At this point, she's been on a waiting list for services since she turned 14. Unfortunately, she may still be waiting another 5 years. Granted, the wait could be over in 6 months, but we won't know until we know. You know? So it means that she will drop from going to her day program 5 days a week through the school to going only once a week through private pay. 


I'm afraid it's going to be hard on her. She loves going to 'work', and even though we're trying to prepare her for what it's going to be like, I don't think it will really sink in until she's stuck at home most of the week. My stomach turns when I even think about it, because I don't want it to be hard on her. After 18 years in the school system, there's bound to be an adjustment. Who knows? Maybe she'll handle it better than we're imagining.


In the meantime, I've been trying to keep my mind off things and trying to keep busy. I've got some deep cleaning to do for the holidays, and we've still got to decorate and put up the tree, but I've been struggling with it all. I need to get back on my Vitamin D again, since  don't have regular exposure to the sun this time of the year and I'm feeling the effects of SAD. Hopefully, the D will kick in and help me kick this thing.


I helped Scooter clean her bedroom last week. It wasn't too bad compared to what it used to be like, but it was the worst it's been since I got it dug out at the beginning of this journey. So we cleaned it from top to bottom. Dusted. Vacuumed. Swept the floor. Rearranged the toys. 


It took less than 2 hours total. That was exciting and encouraging. It used to take the better part of a week to get it clean, and it would quickly revert back to chaos within a week or two. To know that her bedroom has been maintained since last May is amazing to me. I spent so many hours over the years trying to get to this point that it still seems a bit unreal that I'm 'here'. 


It's probably because I'm not 'here' everywhere else in the house. Still, I'll take what I can get.


Yesterday, I got her winter clothes out of the plastic boxes in the closet and put her summer clothes away. Then we went through her closet and dehoarded. Once again, I was surprised at being done within 2 hours of starting the job. I bagged up a kitchen trash bag full of clothes that will be picked up tomorrow. 


The bag included several clothes that Scooter no longer wears, but the best thing is that I was ready to get rid of some clothes from my childhood. I wore some of them when I was in junior high and others when I was in high school, but I no longer feel it necessary to keep them around. I realized that Scooter will never wear them, but best of all, I realized they no longer had a hold on me.


After Scooter left for school today, I did go back into her closet and got rid of 5 more things that I know she'll never miss. She had chosen to keep them, but she hasn't worn any of them in over a year or had outgrown. I know she will never even know. I could have probably taken even more out without her knowing, but I only took the things I knew for sure she would never wear again.


One was a Winnie the Pooh sweatshirt that she wore to school at least once a week about 5 years ago, and she wore it around the house all. the. time. She loved it , but she only wore it on one occasion last year, and I know that it was time for it to go. There was a little tutu looking skirt that she's outgrown in the last few months, but she has another one that fits, so it won't be like she even notices it's gone. There were 2 long sleeved t-shirts she wore under other clothes to add an extra layer when it was cold, but we just got her several light weight long sleeved thermal shirts a few weeks ago, so she doesn't need them. And lastly there was a little black shirt that had been Bugster's when she was much younger. Scooter's worn it less than a handful of times in the last few years. 


Time to pitch it!


We'll go through the clothes again when I put her winter clothes away and get her summer clothes back out of storage in a few months. Hopefully, we'll be able to get rid of a few more of her unused clothes then. 


I'm hoping to get the house ready for decorating this weekend and maybe even get the tree up. 


I'm thinking little bit of Christmas should chase the SAD away...

Not much to report.

The anxiety meds are doing their job, and I'm feeling much less anxious and better able to cope with all that's going on.


However, we've been sick with the crud, which has kept my progress at, well, under ideal. I'm not sure, if this is the flu or not. We've been totally exhausted. Absolutely no energy at all makes it more than difficult to accomplish a single thing. We haven't had high fevers, but we have been feverish. Then again, we didn't get high fevers when we had the swine flu a couple years ago, either. :::shrug::: It's enough that we're miserable. I guess we don't need a name for it. 


::::cough:::: 


::::cough::::

::::sniffle:::: 


::::sneeze::::


To top things off, my extended family has been going through an awfully lot lately, and my heart hurts for all of them.


In the last 6 weeks or so a sister in law lost both her parents, a niece lost a pregnancy, 2 different cousins lost their husbands, and a brother in law lost his brother. And while none of it directly affected me, thoughts for my loved ones weigh heavy.


We've been a bit nervous for Bugster. She quit her job a few weeks ago, because her paychecks were bouncing. Job + bouncing payroll checks is not a good combination. One employee was behind 4 paychecks. Another was behind 6. I just can't imagine working for 8 and 12 weeks without pay. Bugster stayed longer and more loyal than either Hubster or I would have, but she's just can't stand the thought of someone else being put in a bind. We're glad she's out of there, but we can't help but worry for the kids a bit. It's a parent's job, right?


I did get back in touch with a friend I'd lost touch with about 8 years ago. It was wonderful getting caught up, but she's had it really rough. Just a lot of family problems in that period of time, including losing her fiance just weeks before their wedding. My friend doesn't have computer skills and is totally intimidated by them, so she took his daughter's word for it that her fiance had died out of state. Except that he hadn't. He's alive.


I would want to know under the same circumstances. And I would want a friend to tell me, rather than finding out from someone else, so I felt like I had to say something. It was one of the most difficult calls I've ever had to make, and I hope I never had to break news like that again. As hard as it was to hear, my friend was thankful I cared enough to tell her. I just hope she heals quickly. 


I debated long and hard before telling her. I polled a few friends and family about whether or not they would want to know. Everyone I asked said they would want to know, if they were in her shoes, but some would not have told her to spare her feelings. How about you? Would you have wanted to know?


On a different note I've made a little bit of progress. I've finally frozen all but the last cookie sheet of tomatoes. I'm just waiting for them to ripen, although I may try my hand at fried green tomatoes. I haven't had the energy to try them just yet. At this point, they'll just be fried green tomato chips, since the tomatoes that are left are just tiny. Still. They'd probably be good along with some fried zucchini as a snack or on spaghetti. 


No word yet on the guardianship front. I'll be calling the attorney this week to see where we are in the process. 


And once again I'm so very thankful for the anxiety meds, since just writing the above sentence made my stomach start with the flips again. 


Have I mentioned we're ready for 2012 to make its entrance?

Immobilization. It's not as fun as it sounds.

What I didn't mention in my last post from a couple of weeks ago is that I've really been struggling lately. I said that we had a really long and stressful day getting state IDs and flu shot and all the week before and made 7 pints of salsa. And I mentioned that I was still getting things done.

However, my effectiveness as a person slowed to almost a complete halt during the days after that outing. Dehoarding stopped. Most house work and laundry came to a screeching halt. Yep. I have been pretty worthless.

The night before we spent the day getting the documentation for the girls that was needed my stomach started churning. Flipping. Rolling, if you will. Nonstop. Like I had a hamster on a wheel in the pit of my gut. It didn't stop at all for over 2 weeks.

You know how your stomach jumps when you see a baby almost fall headfirst down the stairs? Or you see a ball roll out in front of you in the street while you're driving, and you notice a small child in your periphery? Or you witness an accident caused by an erratic driver? 

Yeah. That kind of flipping.

When my stomach did finally stop flipping it was short lived. As in about 18 hours or so. And then it started up again. I felt like I was going to jump out of my skin. Even when I was expecting a call, I'd nearly jump out of my skin when the phone actually rang. I felt like I was trembling all the time, but when I would hold my hand up to check to see, if it was shaking, it wasn't. I was just shaking on the inside. 

I made an appointment to see my doctor, but I had to cancel the first one due to bad roads. The last thing I needed to do is get in a car and drive on ice in the condition I was in. I knew I needed help, and that I was having a problem with anxiety. I also knew that I didn't know how to make it stop on my own. That I needed help. Because when your stomach is flipping and turning all the time like that, it's hard to concentrate. To eat. To sleep. To function.

The doctor confirmed that I was suffering from anxiety. The only other time I've had anything even close to this happen was when I had a reaction to a medication a few years ago. I have to wonder, if that reaction made my body more susceptible to anxiety. I guess it doesn't matter. I have it now. 

We met with the attorney on Monday. Plunked down the $500 for the court costs, but we won't actually have to pay the attorney's fees. Hubster signed up for some sort of legal plan through the company he works for last year, and it pays the attorney. And although we could technically do this on our own, we'd much rather have the expertise a lawyer can lend to the situation. I shudder at the thought of what the anxiety would be like, if we weren't going through an attorney!

I have no doubt that the stress is due to the whole guardianship thing, and I believe it will go away once everything is completed. I am thinking I'll likely start 2012 in a totally different state than I'm in right now, but until then I'll stay on the meds the doctor prescribed. They've already helped tremendously, and it's been less than a week.

Thursday, Bugster came over, and we made salsa together. Once we tasted the salsa I'd made awhile back, we realized that it wasn't going to be enough to get us all through the winter. So we made a day of it and canned 14 pints and 1 quart, since we couldn't find the last of the pint jars. We're set until next Fall when we'll likely make more from the tomatoes, peppers and onions we'll hopefully have in our gardens. 

I'm still behind on housework, but I know I'll be able to get it done in plenty of time for the home visit. I won't have all the dehoarding done, but I'm confident that we'll pass with flying colors. I'm sure we'll be granted guardianship, because the best place for the girls to be is with us. In their own home. With their family. And when I look at each part of the guardianship process individually, I know we'll do fine. But the whole of it is more than overwhelming.

Hubster asked me out on a date the other night. We need time to reconnect and get away from the stress of it all, so I jumped at the chance. Hopper and Scooter are going to spend the day with Bugster, Hubster and Frank after we all do a little shopping together.  We haven't all been out together in months. In fact, Scooter just started back to school this past week after the whole fiasco of the hospitalization, head-to-toe rash, and weeks of steroids to get the allergic reaction under control. So we need this as a family. All of us.

I'm ready for some decompression.