Compulsive hoarding is a mental disorder that is just beginning to be understood. As a hoarder, I have acquired things over the years with a specific purpose in mind at the time of the acquisition, used some of those items for their intended purposes, forgotten the goal for different objects, but now that I find that they have outlived their purpose in my life I am struggling to rid myself of those same things.

You can read the start of my journey here.

Friday, November 2, 2012

Forever in our hearts.

They, whoever 'they' are, say that time heals all wounds. It may heal wounds on the outside, but I don't know that it does. I think there are some things that one just never, ever gets over. 

The edges of the wound may start to come together and form a scar, but it's still tender. It still hurts. And no matter what you put on the wound to soften the scar to make it less noticeable, no matter how much it fades, it's still there. The scar reminds you of the original trauma when you feel it as the wind blows or the sun hits it just right, when you feel it as you get dressed or bump it on the doorway. 

Eventually, a certain amount of numbness creeps in. It's as though you're in a constant state of shock. It's hard to feel anything but the pain. It never really gets better. It never, ever goes away.

It's still as fresh today as it was when I wrote this post 2 years ago about the loss of my nephew, Edward, to suicide.  It's still as fresh as it was when we lost him 5 years ago. Still just as senseless today as it was then.

Please don't choose a permanent solution for a temporary problem. It really will get better. 

Edward, we will always love you and miss you.


  1. nothing I can say will ease that pain. Prayers for peace and comfort

  2. You know I feel sad for you. What a waste of a wonderful young man. (((hugs)))

  3. As you know, the boys father also committed suicide last December. And, while I will not say that MY life has been a bit easier, the loss is still a loss. When I was younger I had thoughts. Then again while I had PPD. But I still can't imagine what it feels like to actually get to the point when you feel like your life doesn't matter. I always knew I mattered, no matter how bad it got.

    I can't ease your pain, or say anything that will make it all better. But I will say that in my life, I try to make sure that all those I chose to have in my life KNOW they matter.

    1. Juli, I remember that your boys lost their father last year. It is just a shame that they have had to endure the pain.

      I'm glad that you are doing what you can to make sure your kids know that they matter. I know Edward knew he mattered to his family and that he was loved by all of us, but unfortunately, I don't think it was quite enough for him. I wish I knew the answer to prevent it for everyone.


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