How do I know, if I'm a hoarder? Pt 2 - Feeling responsible for everything.

While watching the hoarding shows, I recognized a familiar stress in the participants of the show when they were challenged to get rid of certain items. Sometimes, they were little things like empty cans or jars that could be recycled. Other times, it may have been something that belonged to a loved one who was no longer alive.


The person being asked to make a decision would often look like a deer caught in the headlights. You could see the fight or flight response kick into high gear. They were scared. There is no doubt that they wanted to just run and hide. 


I get it. I've been there. I've felt that very thing when I've tried to make decisions about getting rid of stuff over the years. Instead of making a decision, I would just decide to make a decision later. It wasn't logical that I had such battles with myself to get rid of some of these things, but struggle I did.


For example, I really wrestled with getting rid of ketchup packets. I mean, really. Ketchup packets? It made no logical sense, but I was afraid of wasting them. I mean, it's not like the world would come to an end, if I threw them in the trash, but they were good food. Surely someone could use them, but I didn't know who, and I didn't want them taking up space in the refrigerator anymore, but I didn't know what to do with them. As silly as it sounds, I felt a responsibility to be a good steward of the condiments, and I was was terrified of making the wrong decision. 


So I just didn't decide.


I didn't decide which of the girls' clothes to get rid of. I didn't decide which toys needed to go. I didn't decide which clothes I no longer needed. I didn't decide which mugs I loved and really wanted to keep.


I kept everything, so that I didn't make the wrong decision. 



I remember feeling a panic in my gut when I would see someone throw a newspaper or pop can in the trash instead of putting them aside to be recycled. After all, it was irresponsible to just throw things away that had any use left in them. It was my job to save stuff like that from the landfills. I would get it to it's proper place. It was my responsibility. 


Except that it wasn't.


I was miserable. I felt absolutely overwhelmed by stuff. I was carrying the weight of every single pair of pants, every shirt, every toy, every baby blanket, every newspaper, every pop can and every ketchup packet on my shoulders. 


I felt mentally paralyzed. 


How was I ever going to have the time to find the right home for each piece of clothing that the girls had outgrown? How would I ever find the mates to all of the socks? I couldn't just give a half a pair of socks away. They'd just be tossed in the trash. People need 2 socks. They have 2 feet. I needed to find all of them, so I could match them up and find them the proper homes.


What about the toys and puzzles? I knew that the pieces were all there for each one, but I also knew that some of the pieces were in the garage, some were in their bedroom, and some were downstairs. How was I ever going to reunite the pieces, so the toys would be complete? No child was going to want an incomplete toy, but we spent hard earned money on them, and it would be a total waste to just throw them in the trash. Right?


The more I fought to figure it all out, the more paralyzed I felt. 


I knew others could see that same fear in my eyes that I saw in those who appeared on the shows. 

How do I know, if I'm a hoarder? Pt 1 - Acquiring

Over the last couple of years, I've noticed 2 recurring searches that bring people to my blog. The first is something along the line of, "How do I know, if I'm a hoarder?" The second is variations along the line of, "Where do I start/How do I start to dehoard?"

I will try over the next few days to answer these questions to the best of my ability.

In my opinion, if a person is searching about information on whether or not they are a hoarder, the chance is they have a problem. It's only a matter of degree. 

I realized that I had a hoarding problem after watching Hoarders the very first time. I physically felt the anxiety the participants in the show felt when someone would try to help them discard things. Whether it was someone demanding that something be thrown, a family member chiding or ridiculing them for saving something, or touching their things, I felt their anxiety. I could feel my heart rate noticeably increase, my palms begin to get sweaty, and my stomach start to flip. It scared me, because I saw myself in the people on the screen. 

I was taught to trust my gut, and I knew. 

I. just. knew.

Several years prior, I recognized I had a major problem with acquiring. I loved shopping, and if I found something that I thought was  good buy, I would buy every item like it on the shelf when 1 or 2 would have been enough. 

I was obsessed with bargains. 

If for some reason I didn't buy an item I'd thought about buying when I was out and about, I wouldn't be able to get it out of my mind. Seriously. The thought that I had to have it would wake me out of a dead sleep, and I would go on the hunt for it the following day. If I was too late and the thing was gone, I'd feel like I'd lost something. The feeling of loss was very unsettling. 

If I was able to actually buy the item when I went back to the store, I would be elated. Giddy, even. But it didn't last long. I would often be disappointed within a day or two of bringing my purchases home. At times I would come to my senses and return my purchases, but more often than not something would prevent me from returning things to the store. 

I didn't enjoy using those things that I knew I shouldn't have bought. If I bought 6 of the exact t-shirt in different colors for the girls I would feel guilty about it when I would get them dressed. Even if the clothes were as little as $1 each, I would feel guilty over having bought as many as I did, because I knew they could never wear them often enough to wear them out. 

I hated myself for being so weak.

I noticed on the hoarding shows that most of the homes had bag up on bag upon bag of purchases that had been dropped when they were brought in the house and totally forgotten. I recognized that was part of the hoarding behavior, and I recognized that I had struggled with that very issue for years. 

From time to time I find myself slipping into the same mindset I had when I was acquiring. When I notice that I'm debating buying more of something than I need or we can use, I purposely stop and ask myself, if I really want or need the things in my shopping basket. Thankfully, I don't find myself in the position often, and 99 times out of 100 I put the items back on the shelf. 

Years ago when the acquiring was so out of control, I went shopping several times a week. Now it's rare, if I go shopping more often than once every 2 weeks. I have noticed that the longer the time between shopping trips the harder time I have saying no at the register. Being mindful of this, I often window shop online to exercise my 'no' muscle and keep it strong. I put things in my online shopping cart and then never go through the checkout process.

I don't want to go back to unhealthy habits again. 

Do you have a problem with change?

I wouldn't describe myself as being fluent in computers or techy by any means, but I'm not 100% computer illiterate either. However, I have to admit to being pleased with myself for figuring out how to post to my blog by email.

Go ahead.

Get it out of your system.

I can see you rolling your eyes! Hello!

Please. Just get it over with.

Are you done now?

Good. Just let me have my little moment, okay? I'm tired. It's been a long week. But I'm thrilled that I can start to compose a post from my phone while I'm at the doctor's office or waiting at the DMV or wherever one might find me. And I have to admit that I'm excited about not having to have a computer at hand in order to post to my blog. It's very freeing.

For whatever reason, I didn't realize this option was available. I guess I just haven't looked for the option, because I've had other things on my mind. No matter. I figured it out. But the entire time I've had a blog, which hasn't been all that long, I do things a specific way.

I go to blogger.com, and I look to see which blogs have been updated. And although I don't always comment, I do read all posts at least 95% of the time. But I access them from the homepage. I have such a rough time remembering to look at the posts in the RSS feed that is delivered to my inbox. It's out of the ordinary, and I like the way I do things now. So why should I change? Unfortunately, that also means I catch up on some blogs only once a week or so when I check my email. Will I do it any differently now that I'm very much aware of it?

Probably not.

I tend to resist change. I don't know, if I've just had my fill of change, or if it's part of the hoarding mentality or what, but I don't like it. Well. For the most part, anyway. Some change is good. Watching Hoarders for the first time months ago was the catalyst to an entire lifestyle change. That was a really good change, and yet I find I still resist it on some days.

However, my friend came over the other day with her son. He's going to be watering our outdoor plants when we're on vacation, and she wanted a visual of what was expected of him. She wanted to see the pinatas I'd made, and I wanted to show them to her, so I had her come in. The house was a bit of a disaster, but it was better than it was the last time she was here. But the big change came with me.

I surprised myself by boldly opening the door and not only inviting them in, but shuttling them through the house to look at the pinatas I'd made and the cookie jar, etc. We then went through the garage that makes me cringe every time I go through the door, and I led them into the backyard to the plants. The thing that surprises me the most is that I was so at ease. Normally my pulse is racing, my palms are sweating, and my breath quickens when I have to let someone in the house. This day? I didn't even flinch.

I'm not sure, if part of it is that my trust has deepened with this friend. I know she won't judge me for the hoarding in spite of the fact that she's pretty much the exact opposite of me and gets rid of almost everything. I'm not sure, if this confidence has to do with becoming comfortable in my own skin, because I know I have a problem, but I'm working really, really hard to overcome it, or what. I just know that it was a little victory for me to allow someone in my house, give them a tour, and not even flinch in embarrassment.

Don't get me wrong. I'm still embarrassed by the mess, but I have come so very far in the last several months, that it doesn't bother me like it used to. Like it did when the kids were little, and I'd pretend I couldn't hear the doorbell or someone knocking, because I didn't want to have to open the door and expose the mess. I didn't want to expose me and my shortcomings.

Yep. I'll keep this change.

I'm no longer paralyzed by stuff.

I think I can. I think I can.

My asthma has been acting up a bit today. It's because I forgot to wear a mask while cleaning the curtains in my bedroom yesterday. I was afraid of that. As a result, I haven't been able to do as much as I would like without coughing up a storm. So I've taken it a little easier today.

When I have a day when I'm not able to accomplish as much as I'd like, I do try to remind myself of the fact that I'm a hoarder and that I need to keep on task, so I can get out of this rut. So I did 'homework' today in the form of watching the latest Hoarders episode. It was an update (filmed a year later) on 4 different people that they'd helped in the first season.

Of the four, there was one complete failure. The home looked just as bad as it did before the show went in and helped the family out, but in all fairness, there was such a resistance to the cleaning at the time that the crew was not able to completely clean the house up when they were there initially. It apparently didn't take long for the woman to fill the house back up, and she now faces jail time, if she isn't able to get the house cleaned within the time frame given. At the rate of progress she's making, it looks like she's probably going to serve time.

The second situation was similar to the first in that the crew was not able to completely clean this man's property. He is still getting citations on a weekly basis to get things cleaned up for 'criminal littering'. He has several acres, and he has literal tons of metal scrap, old appliances and vehicles. If I remember correctly, he has 17 vehicles in all. That's the bad news. The good news is that he hasn't added a lot to the mess. He's added 2 semi trailers and a refrigerator, so that in and of itself is progress. However, he hasn't gotten rid of enough, and he may lose his property, if he doesn't clean it up.

The third situation involves a woman who hoards food. And while she did not completely get her home finished when they were there, she has maintained for the most part. You can still see her floors, tabletop and counters. However, she also still has food in the refrigerator and freezer that is outdated by 6 months or more, and she insists that it's not bad. That she'll throw it out, if she's worried about it. And while I do believe that some expiration dates are included just to make people buy things more quickly, I would be afraid to eat most things that were outdated by more than 6 months or that were growing green fuzzies on them.

The last situation is the only one that seems to be a complete success story at this time. It's a young man with an alcoholic father. When Hoarders came to their house and cleaned it out, they found hundreds upon hundreds of wine bottles from the dad's drinking stash. They were empty, but he'd consumed the contents of each one. He was drunk the entire time the crew was there. The young man is now going to college and the father has stopped drinking wine entirely and seems to be getting his life together. He's still drinking a couple of beers every day, but he was clearly not drunk during this interview like he was a year before.

It was eye-opening to say the least. It's scary to think the recidivism rate is so high amongst hoarders. But I can't help but think that a lot of it has to do with how willing the person was to participate in the initial cleanup in the first place. I really do think that a person has to be willing to make the changes themselves, or they won't be successful, and even then it's going to be a daily struggle.

I know that there are days it's easier for me physically and mentally than other days. I also know that I want to be free of clutter and the hoarding mess from the very depths of my soul. Due to circumstances, it may take longer than I'd like it to take to get all the way to the goal, but I will get there.

It will happen.